LIFEadvice: Not enough intimacy in your marriage?

By Kimberly Giles, KSL.com Contributor | Posted - Feb 13th, 2012 @ 6:15am



SALT LAKE CITY -- Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you.

Note: This week's column includes content that is intended for a mature audience.

Question:

We are having marriage problems, and part of the problem is my lack of interest in sex and my husband’s frustration with my lack of interest in sex. I think there may be something wrong with me because I was into it when we first got married but now I’m more interested in sleep. If this doesn’t change I don’t see our marriage making it. Any advice?

Answer:

You are not alone on this one. According to a CNN Health article, 40 million Americans are in a sexless marriage, meaning they have sex less than 10 times a year.

This is a problem because a healthy sex life is a critical part of a good marriage. For the man, sex creates feelings of security, love and validation around who he is. For the woman, sex creates a feeling of connection, fulfillment and security.

If you are committed to making this marriage work, you must identify what the problems are and commit to solving them. Here are some common issues:

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More from Coach Kim: My goal this year with LIFEadvice is to give you principle-based, time-tested solutions, which can change your life for the better. If you will read this column each week, I will teach you principles and give you the tools to solve many of life's problems. Please send in your questions to kim@lifeadviceradio.com.

Now, you have a choice. Instead of having mediocre sex once in a while that leaves you feeling empty and disconnected, you can choose to do some research, get some help and build a healthy sexual bond with your husband.

Here are some things you can do to improve your relationship:

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  • Work on your self esteem. It is not your spouse’s job to make you feel good about yourself. You are the one responsible for your self-esteem. You may need to get some professional help on this. You must learn to value who you are. Then, focus on giving love to your spouse instead of feeling insecure about yourself. When a man feels wanted, he doesn’t care if your body isn’t perfect.
  • Make sex a priority. Sex is healing and therapeutic. Sex can create an environment of love, laughter, acceptance, trust and honesty. It unites two people and creates a solid foundation in the home. You must make the time for it, and it is something that should be studied and worked on together. Get brave and visit a local lingerie and accessories shop together and find ways to make sex more enjoyable.
  • Get realistic about your expectations — the love scenes in movies aren’t real. Make sex about giving validation and love to your partner instead of trying to re-create a love scene from a romance novel. Choose to be attracted to your spouse’s character, generosity or confidence instead of just his looks. Create a different mindset around what real love looks like.
  • Change your mindset about sex. Sex is not dirty or naughty. Sex is a beautiful, loving and uniting thing. Sex is an act of acceptance, vulnerability, service, playfulness, togetherness and passion that only a loving couple can truly share and apprecite to the fullest. Work on a fresh perspective about it.
  • Practice forgiveness. Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. You must give your spouse permission to be a less-than-perfect, fallible, struggling human being who still deserves your love. You must learn how to forgive past offenses and love each other anyway. Forgiveness is one of the most important lessons you are here to learn, and your spouse will give you amazing opportunities to practice.
  • Contact a doctor or sex therapist to help you. If you have chemical issues, hormonal problems, or a history of abuse or addiction, you must get help from a licensed professional or doctor. Also, avoid pornography and romance novels, as they will create more dissatisfaction in your marriage.

    Commit to changing your attitude about sex and bringing back the excitement, gratitude, fun, love and connection in your marriage.

    You can do this.

    From Studio 5: Love texts to spice up your marriage



    Kimberly Giles is a sought after life coach and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com - Cameo Haag, co- writer, is the founder of www.sexlessmarriagenomore.com and author of the e-book "5 Beliefs That May Not be Serving You in the Bedroom."

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