Does your pre-teen feel... unlikeable? 3 things to keep in mind when the relationship feels tough

SALT LAKE CITY — We know teenagers are navigating a tricky time of life. We hear about hormones, we expect a little attitude, and still we want a good relationship and strong connection with our kids. So what do you do if your junior high schooler feels just plain unlikeable?

Sean Kane is a former middle school teacher and dad of three. He said it's easy to just say teenagers get a "bad rap," but these middle years can be hard for parents. He shared how to maintain your adoration for this age group, even when they're really dishing it.

"Our middle school kids, they are moody, they are demanding, and they can be really difficult to like," he said. "We do always love them."

1. Remind yourself their brain is rewiring

"Your middle school kid's brain is completely rewiring itself," Kane explained.

The middle school brain is wired to create independence. Their priorities are social status, social belonging and personal autonomy.

"They are going to be prickly," he said. "They are going to want their friends more than they want you."

Parents often interpret these behaviors as signs that something is wrong.

"This is not my kid going off the rails. This is where they're supposed to be," Kane emphasized.

Understanding that developmental trajectory can help you be more patient and lower your panic. Attitude isn't necessarily rebellion. It's a normal stage of growth.

2. Figure out their feelings

Kane said the next step is helping kids understand themselves. When they can understand what they're feeling and why they're feeling it, two things happen: the emotion has less control over them and they gain the ability to decide what to do next.

"Help them with their emotional literacy," he said. "They know that they're feeling something, but perhaps they don't have the ability to express that."

He suggested teaching pre-teens how to identify and name their emotions. This gives them more control over their reactions. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by their emotions, they have the tools to understand and manage them.

"They can actually have agency and make decisions with that," Kane noted.

Emotional literacy helps kids realize that emotions don't just happen to them. It helps them find the confidence to handle difficult situations.

3. Let it Go

Kane said to just let things go. Not forever. Not completely. But in the moment when emotions are running high. One of the biggest mistakes adults make is matching a child's emotional intensity.

"What certainly never works is an overstimulated parent being reactive, being demanding, yelling and engaging in what's called the coercive cycle," he emphasized.

The coercive cycle is when both sides keep escalating. Instead, parents should model the behavior they want to see.

"We have to model the regulation that we wanna see from our kids," Kane emphasized. "Cooler heads will prevail."

When emotions are at their peak, you really can't have a productive conversation. Kane said to return to the issue later. Once feelings calm down, you're in a place where you can learn and problem solve. Whether that's 30 minutes later or the next day, the important thing is that it happens.

"Let's revisit it. Let's take another look at this. Let's have this conversation. Let's do this hard thing," he said. "Just because those big feelings are gone does not mean you don't have permission to go back in there."

Think Like a Teacher

Kane's years in the classroom taught him that successful teaching isn't about avoiding mistakes, it's about revisiting lessons. Good teachers circle back, reinforce concepts and create opportunities for growth. Parents can do the same thing.

"We don't just let a kid just fall on their face and fail," he said. "Having that conversation to collaborate and make change in your household, that's really, really valuable stuff."

Find more advice from Sean Kane on Instagram, @growth.mindset.parenting.

This story was adapted from a TV broadcast script using artificial intelligence. Every story, including those adapted with AI, is reviewed by a human editor before publication to ensure that KSL's editorial standards are upheld.