3 things that will instantly make a hard marriage better

SALT LAKE CITY — If your marriage feels heavy, hard, maybe more energy-sucking than energy-giving, you might try to add more. More communication. More date nights. More quality time. More effort. But KSL Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson said that strategy doesn't get to the root of the problem.

"When we don't feel good in our relationships, we usually try to add things," she explained. "We wanna prune things a little bit. We wanna cut back a little bit."

Why? She explained that some relationship habits act like weeds. They quietly steal energy, block connection and make the relationship feel heavy. Johnson shared three things that will make it better immediately.

Cancel the Negative Filters

Looking at everything through a negative lens is one of the most damaging habits in relationships.

"A negative filter is, for example, when a spouse offers us kindness and we decide it's manipulation," Johnson explained. " Or when they give us information that's neutral and we decide to hear it as criticism."

She gave the example of one spouse making dinner and the other asking for salt.

" You hear, 'I'm not a good cook,' or, 'He doesn't appreciate me,'" Johnson said.

A negative filter changes how every interaction feels. She said the solution starts with reframing.

1. Assume Good Intent

Before processing what your spouse is saying, remember who they are to you.

"What if everything your spouse said, you reminded yourself first that he was your favorite person?" Johnson asked.

Shifting those thoughts doesn't ignore the problems. It changes the lens through which you view them.

2. Recognize negative emotion

She also said to pay attention to your own emotions.

"We wanna be really aware of our own negative emotion because what it tells us is that we are most likely seeing things through a negative filter," Johnson emphasized.

When you can change the filter, connection is easier to find.

Soften the Harsh Start-up

"What we find is that in 96% of cases, conversations, the way it starts is the exact way it's gonna end," Johnson said.

If a conversation starts with blame, criticism or frustration, it's going to continue in that direction. To avoid that, she recommended starting conversations differently.

1. Start with appreciation

"We can do that by starting with appreciation," she said.

Even if you're bringing up something difficult, lead out with gratitude. "I'm so grateful for…" can completely change the emotional tone of a conversation.

2. State the need, not the blame

Another shift is focusing on our needs instead of blame.

"We tend to start with blaming instead of the need that we feel or see or are hoping for," Johnson explained.

When you express your needs, the conversation can be collaborative. When you lead with blame, people get defensive.

3. Pause

A short pause gives you space to think before reacting. It helps you remember the goal and start the conversation in a way that actually supports it.

Drop Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations are less visible in a relationship, but just as damaging.

"An unrealistic expectation is where we expect that our spouse knows exactly what we need," Johnson explained.

1. Don't expect mind reading

Many people unknowingly expect their partner to read their minds, anticipate every need and respond perfectly every time. No one can meet standards that were never communicated.

2. Notice when they try

Instead of expecting perfect behavior, Johnson said to notice effort. Even the small attempts matter.

"Give credit to every single space where they try," she emphasized.

3. Create shared agreements instead of silent rules

"We wanna see if there's a place where we can have shared agreements instead of this place where we're keeping like a silent poll," Johnson explained.

When you can clearly communicate your expectations, there is less room for resentment and disappointment.

This story was adapted from a TV broadcast script using artificial intelligence. Every story, including those adapted with AI, is reviewed by a human editor before publication to ensure that KSL's editorial standards are upheld.