BRUSH PRAIRIE, Wash. -- Addiction doesn’t know it isn’t supposed to crop up in “respectable” families. Addiction is supposed to stay on the “other side of the tracks," be a problem for “those” people.

Turns out, addiction doesn’t care much about who it attacks and it sure doesn’t come with an owner's manual. The addict and the family unit get overwhelmed, and the results can be devastating.

Eight years ago, Aleatha and Sam Carpenter’s 11-year-old son began to abuse drugs. His abuse progressed to the point that he admits he was taking any kind of drug he could get his hands on.

Today, each new day is focused on recovery rather than his next fix. But the war to save their son and family is not over. The happy ending has yet to be written. Much has been learned, much progress made, but the very real battle against addiction continues daily.

"Addiction can consume your family, but slowly we have learned the skills and insights we need to stay strong and united in this battle," Sam said. "Getting to this point has been an education for the family in what addiction is, what it isn’t and where the road to recovery actually goes."

The Carpenters hope by sharing their story others may benefit. Some of the lessons were surprising, but many can be beneficial to families that find themselves -- or people they care about -- in the chaos that addiction creates.

Don’t be afraid to reach out

If family members are baffled about what to do with an addict, those outside the family are even more challenged. Reactions vary. Those courageous, compassionate souls who reach out can make a real difference. Says Aleatha, “Some made sincere efforts and sacrifices, and we loved them dearly for it. It made us feel less alone, and we will never forget them. I know they touched our son, even if he was not able to respond at that time in the way they had hoped.”

Then there are those who, not knowing what to do, choose to do nothing. Aleatha continues, “There were some who just did not understand and resorted to the convenience of a 'blind eye.' Repeatedly we would inform those with stewardship of one form or another for our son about his struggle and offer ways that they could reach out to him. Some would try once or twice, but others decided since he didn't care to be involved with their activities, they couldn't help him. It was sad for us to watch.” Sad to watch, and a clear message of judgment and rejection to the addict.

It is better to not create “family secrets.”

Many families spend a good deal of time and energy keeping the problem a secret, afraid of the judgments of others and the potential stain on a family's reputation. Those efforts are often counterproductive to healing.

“We do not feel ashamed or embarrassed and haven't felt the need to keep our situation a secret. In general, we found people were surprised and then relieved to know our life was not perfect, and kindly offered to pray for us and support us in any way they could," Aleatha said. “We also found that by being open, people had the opportunity to watch and observe that with faith you can face some pretty painful situations and still see life as a blessing. We have been approached many times by people who are facing a completely different challenge than ours but tell us they have been able to use our situation to face their own,” she said.

Families caught in the struggle often question themselves. Early on in their struggle after a particularly challenging night, Sam wondered if he should ask to be released from his church leadership position. He wondered, how could anyone look to him for an example when his own son was a drug dealer? In the end, however, Sam's compassion, empathy and wisdom about life’s struggles within his own family enriched his ability to serve and lead.

Sometimes painful situations can become assets and are gained only by personal experience . As his wife put it, “If anything, our son's addiction and how we handled it allowed us to help others even more."

True understanding of addiction is essential to recovery

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The learning curve for families coming into the world of addiction can be painfully flat. A true understanding of the disease is the key to healing. As Aleatha points out, “It is not always easy to get to. I had to weed away at the vast waste of information on addiction. I read everything I could that sounded reasonable. I sought for counsel amongst experts in the field. It is a confusing world. Sometimes we were given the truth but could not accept it or were not able to follow through on it. Confronted with the doubts of others, I lost my courage, and the suffering continued.”

As with much of life, there can be a gift in the struggle. “I cannot deny that I honestly feel privileged, loved and blessed by God," Aleatha said. "I am grateful for what I have learned and am still learning, but sometimes it has felt like being run over by a Mack truck. Those are days you wonder how you survived. Would I seek this method to learn what I have learned about addiction, myself, my marriage, my family, my God, my Savior? No way! But I trust God all the way, no matter what. I cannot separate the great good from the difficult and painful. They came together to be a great teacher."

The Carpenters' journey is not over. They're still fighting the battle, which they may continue to do for quite some time. “We do not have a success story in completion," Aleatha said. "However, our marriage has grown. We are not enablers. Our son is alive and working hard to recover, we have managed to keep and deepen our faith, and our family loves each other fiercely. It may not be much to some, but to me it is something I feel very good about. I hope it's enough.”

In the process of recovering from addiction Roger became a licensed addiction counselor and wrote the LDS recovery guide, “The Waterfall Concept, A blueprint for addiction recovery.” He blogs at his recovery website, www.waterfallconcept.org

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