The foundational communication skill you were probably never taught how to do

SALT LAKE CITY — Psychologists say this communication skill is one of the most powerful tools for connection and at the foundation of every healthy relationship. And, most of us were never taught how to do it.

KSL Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson shared how validation can transform marriages, parenting and your workplace relationships, too.

"Validation is a communication skill that helps or makes someone feel safe and seen and understood," she explained

Conflict Isn't Usually About the Problem

"Most of us believe that conflict is because of the problem itself... That's not where conflict lies," Johnson said. "Conflict is because someone feels unseen in a problem, not because of the problem itself."

Validation is a way of communicating, "I get it, I care, and I'm here for you." When people feel understood, disagreements are easier to navigate.

Validation Improves More Than Relationships

Johnson emphasized that validation is at the foundation of healthy relationships. It helps reduce conflict, strengthens connections and even creates healthier interactions with adult children. But, she said research connects healthy relationships to physical health as well.

"Research even argues that it saves lives," she said.

When relationships are strong and supportive, people tend to have a better overall well-being. That's one reason Johnson believes this skill deserves far more attention.

Validation Is Not the Same as Agreement

Validating someone's feelings doesn't always mean agreeing with them.

"You do not have to agree with someone to validate them," Johnson emphasized. "It's saying to someone, 'Given your experience, your emotions make sense.'"

Two people can disagree completely about a situation and still validate each other's feelings about it. Validation acknowledges a person's experience without the need to agree about the facts.

Johnson broke validation into four steps:

1. Don't judge

"We're gonna make things safe," she said. "Heaven forbid, we don't multitask, and we put our phones away and we listen."

Creating safety also means resisting the urge to get defensive or make the conversation about yourself. When people feel emotionally safe, they're much more likely to open up and share honestly.

Johnson also explained that validation is impossible when we judge. If you're deciding whether someone is right, wrong, justified or overreacting, you're no longer focused on understanding their experience.

"We have to make sure that we're not judging," she said. "We can't judge and validate."

2. See it as true to them

The next step is understanding. Saying "I understand" is not enough. Johnson said genuine understanding requires more.

"I'm gonna take what you tell me and I'm gonna be able to give it back to you in my own words," she said.

That demonstrates real listening rather than just waiting for your turn to respond.

3. Be curious

Johnson said this is the step people usually skip. Instead of repeating back facts, focus on the feelings underneath them.

"Validation looks like connecting," she said. "It's being able to take the information they just gave you and turn it into feelings."

For example, instead of just acknowledging that your student struggled in math class, think about the emotional impact that has on them.

"What does it feel like if your math class as a senior is challenging?" Johnson asked.

The goal is to help them feel emotionally understood, not just heard.

"Given that this is what happened to you... this could be what you're feeling," she explained.

4. Collaborate instead of taking over

Only after someone feels seen and understood should you start problem-solving. This step might sound like: "Do you want some help with this?" or "What can we do together to work on this?" Johnson explained that too often we start here instead of end here.

"We jump straight to the collaboration," she said. "We've gotta make sure that they feel seen first."

Once someone feels validated, they're usually much more open to advice and solutions.

Whether you're talking to a spouse, child, coworker or friend, Johnson said validation can change the entire dynamic of a relationship. Even young children who don't fully understand this skill can feel the difference.

"They might not understand what you're doing, but they will feel different when we approach them that way," Johnson said.

This story was adapted from a TV broadcast script using artificial intelligence. Every story, including those adapted with AI, is reviewed by a human editor before publication to ensure that KSL's editorial standards are upheld.