Rethink the rebel in your family. Here's what's really behind a strong-willed child

SALT LAKE CITY — Parents, if you have one, you know it. It's the child who pushes back. The one who questions everything. The one who doesn't just accept "because I said so" as an answer. They're full of opinions, determined to do things their own way, and they carry a spark that can be equal parts exhausting and impressive.

"This is the epitome … of the child who you can tell them that the stove is hot, but unless they touch it to find out for themselves, they actually don't believe you," KSL Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson said.

She said it may be time to rethink the way we see those little rebels and better understand what's really behind a strong-willed child.

A Strong-Willed Child Learns Through Experience

"It is that child that is very much intrinsically motivated," Johnson explained. "They have to learn through experience, not being told."

The way they process the world is different, not just their behavior.

"They very much care about rules. They will enforce them on others. They will push at you until you tell them that they're right," Johnson said.

They don't just accept information because an adult provides it, they need evidence. They need to experience things firsthand before they're fully convinced.

They Aren't Fighting You, They're Fighting for Autonomy

"One of the biggest mistakes we make as parents is we see them as stubborn or we see them as defiant," she said. "They're not trying to resist us, they are trying to fight for autonomy."

Johnson explained that a compliant child prioritizes harmony. They care about pleasing others. A strong-willed child has different motivations.

"A strong-willed child is all about internal integrity," she said. "They have to stay true to their ideas and their experiences."

Once parents understand their child's motivation, a lot of their frustrating behaviors start to make more sense.

Why Power Struggles Happen So Easily

"We find ourselves in these power struggles with them because they're quicker to say no than to say yes," Johnson explained.

Getting constant pushback can feel personal, but Johnson said it usually isn't. Strong-willed kids instinctively protect their own independence and ability to make choices. When they feel pressure, they often respond by digging in deeper.

" Think of it almost like a tug of war," she said. " They actually are motivated and feel more connected to us when there is conflict. When the tug of war is happening, they like it."

That doesn't mean they enjoy fighting for the sake of fighting. They interpret intensity differently.

"Their feelings and emotions, they run hot," Johnson explained. "To them, intensity means not just connection.  When we get intense with them and power struggle, now their brains go, 'Oh, they see that this is important to me because they're intense also.'"

Johnson also explained that strong-willed kids want to see if their parents will stick with them. If they will love them still.

"They need to know that if they push us away, that we will hold on tight enough to keep them close," she emphasized.

Stop Trying to Change Them

Johnson said we shouldn't be trying to make strong-willed children less strong-willed.

"We have to stop trying to change them," she said.

The qualities that make these kids challenging at 10 years old are the same qualities that help them succeed as adults.

"We can look at it and say, 'Okay, this is awesome instead of frustrating,'" Johnson said.

When parents can shift from controlling to guiding, those traits aren't obstacles anymore, they're strengths. With the right support, those strong-willed kids can grow into exactly the kind of adults we hope they become.

Ask Them, Don't Tell Them

Johnson said traditional authority-based parenting actually causes more friction.

"This is not a child who you can say, 'Put your coat on and get in the car,'" she explained.

Direct orders trigger resistance because they feel like a threat to the child's autonomy. Johnson suggested asking questions instead of giving them commands. Questions invite participation. Commands often invite a battle.

"What is it that you need to bring with you so you stay warm?" she suggested.

Give Them Genuine Authority

Johnson said to stop offering a strong-willed child fake choices and start giving them real responsibility.

"We're gonna take their need to be in charge, and we're gonna turn it into real leadership," she said.

Parents often give kids controlled choices like picking between two colors or two options. Johnson said a strong-willed child sees right through that strategy.

"They know what you're trying to do there," she emphasized. "Let them make the decisions. Let them organize their own space."

Giving them real responsibility gives them a healthy outlet for the independence they are naturally craving.

Enforce the Environment, Not Your Energy

Johnson said to step back and letting natural consequences take over.

"We don't want to emphasize and put forth a lot of energy in fighting them," she said. "Instead of us going back and forth about what they need to do and how they need to do it, it's simply looking at this child and saying, 'Hey, the car's gonna leave at 7:45. Whatever's in it goes to school, and whatever isn't in it stays home.'"

This parenting shift respects their autonomy while still creating accountability, teaching them lessons through experience instead of lectures.

This story originally aired on KSL TV and has been reformatted for a digital audience using artificial intelligence.