Why discipline is the most underrated skill in strong relationships and 4 ways to build it up

SALT LAKE CITY — Discipline may not be the first thing that comes to mind when we think about healthy relationships, but it can play an important role.

Relationship expert Heather Johnson explained why discipline may be one of the most underrated skills in building strong, connected relationships and how to build it up. She said people often misunderstand what discipline actually means.

"We tend to think of discipline as this negative thing," she said. "Discipline and being disciplined in relationships means that we're able to consider what we want the future to look like over how we're feeling or the mood we're in right now."

She pointed out that we already apply discipline in other areas of our lives. We make choices now with our diet, our money because we want a different outcome later. Relationships work the same way.

"It's this capacity to choose future us today over me right now," Johnson explained.

Sometimes that means being willing to feel uncomfortable now if it will help support a healthier relationship later.

One reason discipline matters so much is because it creates trust.

"When I'm making decisions today and considering future relationships, people can trust us," Johnson said. "When they trust us, we're reliable. And when we're reliable, there is an emotional security that connects two people."

Without discipline, people often tend to avoid difficult conversations, react impulsively or are inconsistent.

"One second things are stable, and the next you don't know what happens," she said. "That's low discipline."

See the investment not the restriction

Johnson said to see discipline as if it's an investment, not a restriction. When it feels hard or like you're depriving yourself of something, you are more likely to resist it. But seeing discipline as investing in a future relationship is different. Instead of asking what you're giving up right now, ask what you're building for later.

"Me making these choices today is an investment in what I want the relationship to look like in the future," Johnson said. "It changes everything when we say, 'How can I invest today?'"

Use values as your compass

Another key to relationship discipline is learning how to make decisions based on your core values rather than your current emotions. When you're tired, frustrated or overwhelmed, you might make decisions based on your mood.

"We tend to go off of how we feel," Johnson noted. "We actually wanna make value-based decisions... Values don't change."

She explained that the question then becomes: "Does the way I'm acting support the values I subscribe to?" If patience, kindness, respect or grace are important values, your actions should align with them, even when your emotions have you feeling differently.

Johnson said values become even more powerful when you discuss them with those you care about.

"Sit down with the people we're in relationships with and ask them what values matter the most," she suggested.

Once you identify those values together, you can talk about the behaviors that will support them. Having a value-based guide makes disciplined choices easier.

Repair quickly

No relationship is perfect. Johnson said the difference between a strong and a weak relationship isn't whether conflict occurs, it's how quickly you repair afterward.

"It's okay to disconnect," Johnson explained. "It's just not okay to not repair."

Sometimes repair is saying during an argument: "I care way too much about us for us to keep having this conversation in a negative way." Other times it's owning our own mistakes: "I recognize my tone wasn't helpful," or "I recognize that I was defensive."

You don't have to take responsibility for everything. Just take responsibility for the part you played. That is usually enough to start repairing.

Ask the right questions

Johnson said one of the biggest ways to become more disciplined is changing the questions we ask ourselves.

"What do I want the future of this relationship to look like?" she suggested.

That single question forces you to slow down and think beyond the present moment. It gives you space between your reaction and response. She also recommended asking the question from the opposite angle. "What things will hurt our future if I do them right now?"

Looking ahead will help you recognize when your actions now could create problems in the future.

This story was adapted from a TV broadcast script using artificial intelligence. Every story, including those adapted with AI, is reviewed by a human editor before publication to ensure that KSL's editorial standards are upheld.