The do's and don'ts of sibling estrangement: What to do if you're a parent caught in the middle

SALT LAKE CITY — It's been called an upsetting trend, even a relationship crisis. Family estrangement is at an all-time high, and when ties are severed between a parent and an adult child, the emotional fallout can be devastating. But there's one part of this crisis we rarely talk about. What happens when parents are caught in the middle of conflict or estrangement between their own adult children?

KSL Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson explained that this kind of estrangement happens when grown children choose to end relationships with their siblings. "Those family relationships between siblings are our longest standing relationships in a family system," she said.

Johnson said that there are two common drivers that can lead to sibling estrangement: perceived unfairness and ongoing comparison. Old narratives about favoritism often perpetuate into adulthood and cause distance between siblings. "The estrangement becomes a byproduct of someone feeling like they weren't treated fairly as kids," she said. While families once argued over houses, cars or inheritances, today's conflicts more often center on emotional attention and availability. "Now adult kids are looking for emotional resources," she explained. "The emotional attention is the currency." Johnson shared what you can do if you're a parent who finds themselves in this situation.

Don't Make It About You

Johnson said parents shouldn't read adult children's choices as a verdict on their parenting. Self‑defense builds tension and keeps parents from seeing the solutions. "We have to make sure that the choices that our adult children make don't mean anything about us being good or bad parents," she said. "As soon as we become defensive … we're blind to what could even benefit."

Don't Be the Middleman

Parents often play the role of mediator—forwarding texts, clarifying intentions or shuttling messages between siblings. Johnson said that this "puppeteering" perpetuates the conflict and puts parents where they do not belong. "We can't put ourselves in the middle," she emphasized. "They want to put us there, and we need to step out of that space."

Don't Try to Repair Their Relationship

Another common mistake parents make is asking one child to take the high road, apologize or smooth things over. Johnson explained that this will only make things worse. "We do things like saying, 'Can you just overlook this this one time?'" she said. "That attempt to repair will not help the relationship."

Do Take Responsibility

If parents did contribute to the problem—intentionally or not—Johnson said direct ownership, apology and change are important. "That means you're gonna own it, you're gonna apologize for it, you're gonna recognize how it's hurt them, and you're going to state how you're gonna do it different next time," she explained.

Do Stay Neutral

Staying neutral is not passive. It's a disciplined refusal to judge children or choose sides. Johnson said this attitude creates the only environment where adult children might re‑engage.

"This means that we're not judging things. This means we're actually looking at our adult children and saying, 'I love you both and I'm not here to judge you or this situation,'" she emphasized.

Do Invite Everyone to Everything

Finally, Johnson said to keep every invitation universal, every time. They can decide whether or not they want to come, but everyone is always invited. "Be the parent that makes it clear to all your children that you will always invite everyone," she said. "You send that invitation to everyone every single time."

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