SALT LAKE CITY — No.

It’s just two little letters, so why do we find it so hard to say? Toddlers say it with annoying regularity, and yet as we grow it seems that, for a great number of us, the “no bone” seems to have been removed from our heads.

The inability to say “no” nicely and mean it is the root cause for much of the difficulty in daily life, including the lack of sleep, increased stress, loss of free time and strained relationships, to name a few. All that aside, how do you say no?

Even more important than how to say no may first be why we don’t say it. Understanding why will help you get to how.

William Ury, Ph.D., a Harvard professor and author of “The Power of a Positive No” explains that there are generally three responses to someone who asks us to do something we don’t want to do.

1. Accommodation: Saying "yes" when wanting to say "no." This usually comes when we value the relationship with the person making the request above the importance of personal interests.
2. Attack: Saying "no" poorly. This is a result of valuing our own interests above the importance of the relationship. We may be fearful or resentful of the request and overreact to the person asking.
3. Avoidance: Saying nothing at all. Because of fear of offending the other party, we say nothing, hoping the problem will go away. It rarely does.

Related:

LIFEadvice: Being too nice is a problem

I have a problem with being too nice and I am often taken advantage of. When people take advantage of my kindness or speak in a negative manner, I am too nice to say anything, but it festers with me for a long time.

Noted speaker on management, Chris Brogan, has the following advice: “Say 'no.' Often it needs to be done and is not. Be polite and very clear. Start by thanking the person who asked you. In most cases, to avoid the 'why' question, you may need to add a brief explanation. Something on the order of, 'Thanks for thinking of me, but my work load won’t allow me to add this project.'" Short, sweet and positive.

Elizabeth Scott, M.S., a stress management guide on about.com, echoes that with the advice: “Be firm -- not defensive or overly apologetic -- and polite. This gives the signal that you are sympathetic, but will not easily change your mind if pressured.”

When the question is asked or the request made and your gut feeling is that the right answer is no, too often it is easier to put a question off with such phrases as, “Let me think about it,” or, “I’ll let you know.” Putting off the question adds to the stress level and postpones the inevitable. Ury notes, “A quick no is better than a slow maybe.”

Penny Wrenn in O Magazine writes a series of articles on the art of saying “no” in different venues. When a flat "no" is inappropriate, one of the skills she advocates also comes from Ury, his positive no: “Yes! No. Yes?” Punctuation here is important to understanding this three part process.

It works like this:

The Yes! step: “That is great and I’ve done it in the past, but it caused so much stress for me.”

The No step: “I just can’t do that again.”

The Yes? step: “Could we try something else instead? ”

This technique can change the request from something you are unwilling to do to a request for something you are willing to do.

If you are one of the millions of compulsive volunteer- ers, those who seem pathologically driven to say "yes" to anything and everything -- and you know who you are -- "no" is a viable answer. And all of you who believe that you need an elaborate, comprehensive, all-encompassing excuse, something on the order of, “I’m scheduled for a quintuple bypass,” or, “The President called and I’ll be at the White House,” try this: “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Or even more succinctly, simply. “No.”

Guy Bliesner is a longtime educator, having taught and coached tennis and swimming. He is school safety and security administrator for the Bonneville School District in Idaho Falls, Idaho. Guy has been married for 26 years and has three children.

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