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SALT LAKE CITY -- I remember going to the Pine View Invitational my senior year in track. I ran a PR in the 400 meters. I was thrilled. Until I went home.
You see, my grades were struggling that year, and my parents had made an agreement with me. If all my grades were at a "C” or better, I could run, if not, I would have to miss the meet. On the day of the meet, all of my classes hit the mark. All of them except one that is.
So, arrangements were made to miss the meet and work on the class after school.
When my friend heard my plans, he planted what seemed like a great idea in my mind.
“Why don’t you just tell your mom you’re working on the class, then go to the meet?” he said, being sure to add “you’ll be back by five, and your mom will never know the difference.”
I knew this time they were breaking out the big guns, and I was going to have to hear those five dreaded words "We're really disappointed in you."
He was wrong.
Mom found out, probably before I ever even ran the race. And that gave her time to craft the most painful punishment I have ever received. When I got home, I went straight to my room and it was spotless. The cleanliness helped to emphasize a youth standards booklet that was sitting on my pillow. I cringed as I got close enough to read the page. The book was open to "honesty."
Ouch.
I really wasn’t all that worried about the impending punishment. In fact, I was prepared to take my two months grounding, or loss of driving privileges, and endure a good yelling in the process, just to be done with the situation. But I knew that would not be my fate. Not after what I had done. I knew this time they were breaking out the big guns, and I was going to have to hear those five dreaded words: “We’re really disappointed in you.”
The fact of the matter is the approval of my parents was important to me, and odds are your teen is no different.
Just before my class let out for Christmas break, I asked a few of my teenage students what the worst punishment they had ever received was. Their initial answers varied from “doing manual labor for a week,” to “tying my arm to my sibling's and making us do chores” and “making us sit on the couch and sing compliments to each other for a half-hour.”
Still, despite the creative and amusing punishments, when I asked about the “we’re-really-disappointed- in-you” punishment, the class let out an audible groan. “That’s the worst!” said one student. Nearly every other nodded in agreement.
Wanting to know more, I asked a few questions. "If you were to get home two hours after curfew, and your parents grounded you what would you think?" They weren't impressed, and essentially laughed off the idea. But when I changed the punishment from grounding, to a parent telling them they were disappointed, their faces dropped. They hadn't even done anything, but they looked like they'd been kicking puppies in a ditch. Then they spoke:
Cheila: “I’d feel horrible. I’d feel really bad for disappointing them.”
It sticks with me longer, like, through the night. I'd definitely lose sleep over it.
–- Jared, High School Student
Jared: “It sticks with me longer, like, through the night. I’d definitely lose sleep over it.”
Braden: “I’d feel like it’s more my fault, not their fault for punishing me.”
Before we go on, I want to make one thing clear: I’m not suggesting that we go away from traditional punishments all together. In fact, Braden even mentioned that the I'm-really-disappointed-in-you punishment works best when attached with another punishment, like “I can’t trust you with a cellphone," or "I can’t trust you with a car anymore.”
What I am suggesting is that we as parents have a responsibility to help our children learn to make good choices. And the only way they will ever learn to do that on their own is to truly think about what they have done in the past, and how they will respond in the future.
That’s why those five words, and others like it, work so well. They help the teen to really think over what they’ve done, and decide for themselves if they made the right choice. Then they can learn how to make decisions based on right and wrong, not just the consequences of mom and dad.
That's why those five words, and others like it, work so well. They help the teen to really think over what they've done, and decide for themselves if they made the right choice.
It’s really not about making a teen feel guilty. It’s about helping your teen feel accountable. The same thing can be accomplished when counseling with a child who is trying to make a decision. Using a line like, “You know what I think, but it’s up to you, I’m sure you’ll do the right thing,” forces your child to make tough decisions now, and allows your child to make decisions easily later on in life.
So next time you’re in position to issue a punishment, think it over a little and let your teen do the same. Even if you don’t get a week’s worth of manual labor out of it, if your teen's like me, someday down the road when think of how you handled it they’ll be singing compliments about you, even if they aren’t tied to a sibling.
Brandon Comstock is an instructor of religion at Hurricane High School seminary. He and his wife have two little boys, and are expecting their third child in March.
