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SALT LAKE CITY -- For many kids, "no" is a trigger word, and they're ready to fight as soon as you say it.
The Children's Center Executive Director Dr. Douglas Goldsmith says it's important to avoid saying the word that triggers the tantrum.
"We need to be careful to not use the word. We still need to say ‘no,' but there's a better way to do it," he advises.
Goldsmith says many kids feel their parents didn't even hear their request and immediately blew it off. So, it's important to make it clear to the child that you acknowledge what they're asking for. For example, let's say your child wants to go to the zoo.
"Say to the child, ‘I did hear you. You would really, really like to go to the zoo. We can't do that today. But, I'm going to write it on a sticky note and put it on the fridge so that I remember that that is something you want to do," Goldsmith said.
Doing this won't always ensure that the child will accept what you say without a fight. In fact, some kids will kick their verbal attacks up a notch.
They may say things like, "You're a mean mommy. You hate me. You don't love me. I'm going to go live with daddy."
When this happens, Goldsmith says you should offer to explain to your child how much you love them. On many occasions, Goldsmith says, the child will decline arguing with you about it.
Of course, there are some questions to which your answer may always be "no," like, "Hey mom, can I bum one of your smokes?" or, "Daddy, can I stop going to church?" Goldsmith says this is when you need to have the sit-down and explain what the family's values are, or why granting their request may hurt them in the long run.
And, let go of the guilt. There's too much of it.
"We hear all the time in therapy, ‘I'm really tired of this because he asks for something and I say no and he throws a huge temper outburst.' So, parents avoid the temper by not saying ‘no.'"
Goldsmith says, if you give in to your child's whining every once in a while, don't beat yourself up about it. We all do it. It's only a real problem if giving in to the tantrums becomes the norm. If parents do that, they'll see big opposition from their children on a regular basis.
"The idea that we need to be 100 percent consistent is really silly and only makes parents feel worse," Goldsmith says.
It's important to make it crystal clear to your children that even if you argue after telling them "no," you always love them. Children see things in black and white and may not understand the concept of their parents still loving them when mom and dad are mad at them. Goldsmith says many adults haven't figured this out, either.
E-mail: pnelson@ksl.com
