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SALT LAKE CITY — Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you.
Question:
I read your article on anger and I was wondering if you have some advice for me about being angry with myself. Yesterday I allowed someone to cross my boundary (i.e., I did not want to do something, but they talked me into doing it anyway and I reluctantly agreed). I’m angry at myself for being so weak. How can I stop doing this and how can I let go of the anger toward myself?
Answer:
Being weak, not enforcing your boundaries and getting pushed into things you don't want to do is a common problem. A lot of people have trouble standing their ground and honoring their own needs.
In order to change this behavior, you must figure out why you do it. You are probably weak for one of these three reasons:
- You might be afraid of being seen as selfish. You might subconsciously believe that taking care of yourself makes you a bad person. If you think this way, other people can use guilt to manipulate you.
- You might be afraid of rejection if you don’t give others what they want. You may believe what other people think of you matters. You might believe you need their approval to have value. You might betray yourself to get the validation or approval you need.
- You might be afraid of confrontation. You might believe it’s safer to betray yourself than risk having a fight.
Which of these fears is driving your wishy-washy behavior?
Once you understand the fear behind your weakness, you can write a new, more accurate rule of conduct for yourself. The following principles of truth will help you to do this.
Principle 1: What other people think of you is irrelevant. You are the same you no matter what they think. Their opinion doesn't affect your value. You have the same infinite, absolute value whether they like you or not.
Principle 2:You teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. You must honor your own needs if you want other people to honor them.
Principle 3: If you disrespect yourself and allow people to push you around, they won’t respect you. Weakness is never respected. You may think your sacrifice will win their love and approval, but you can’t have love without respect.
Remember, you can be strong and loving at the same time.
Principle 4: It is not selfish to take care of your own needs. The Bible said to love your neighbor as yourself, not instead of yourself. This means you are just as valuable as everyone else. When you honor your own needs you demonstrate to the world that all people deserve to be honored and protected. No one is more important than anyone else.
Principle 5: If you don’t love yourself first, you are not really capable of giving love to others. If you don't value yourself, all your loving behavior will be driven by your need to get validation. That is not love. Real love is infinite in scope, so you experience the same amount of love for yourself as you feel toward the other person.
Using these principles of truth to guide you, I recommend that you redefine your boundaries. Decide how you are going to enforce them and why it is the right thing to do. Write this down on paper. Here are some examples:
- I have the right to say no to watching my neighbor's kids, if it would push me over the edge of sanity and make me grouchy toward my family. This is the loving thing for all concerned. I choose not to hold fear around how my neighbor will feel about this. I know it is the right thing, and that is enough. I will tell her with love that I can’t do it (without having to explain why). In the end, she will respect me for my strength and love.
- It is important that I honor my own feelings. If someone asks me to do something I am not comfortable doing, I will say no in a loving way. They will respect me for being true to myself.
Remember, you can be strong and loving at the same time.
You also asked how you can forgive yourself for being weak in the past. I recommend you look at these situations as perfect lessons, not mistakes. They have nothing to do with your value. They happened, so you could see what you are afraid of and learn to change it. Focus on the beautiful lesson this situation provided, and let the rest go.
You can do this.
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*Kimberly Giles gives her advice in the "LIFEadvice" series every Monday on ksl.com. She is the president of Claritypoint Life Coaching and a sought-after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self-esteem. Listen to her Self Esteem CPR Workshop at www.claritypointcoaching.com.**
