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SALT LAKE CITY -- As a father who loves his daughter more than he ever thought he could I unfortunately make mistakes. The saddest part is, my first daughter's not that old and I have many more mistakes to make.
A mistake I regrettably made over the weekend opened my eyes to something I am guilty of myself: We are a snap judgment society.
Snap judgments are in our nature and almost impossible to avoid. Princeton University conducted a study that linked a person's facial features and our judgment on that person's character.
"The link between facial features and character may be tenuous at best, but that doesn't stop our minds from sizing other people up at a glance," said psychologist and and assistant professor of psychology Alex Todorov. "We decide very quickly whether a person possesses many of the traits we feel are important, such as likeability and competence, even though we have not exchanged a single word with them. It appears that we are hard-wired to draw these inferences in a fast, unreflective way."
We can't avoid making those judgments, but we can avoid dwelling on those judgments and drawing entire conclusions of a person based on one brief meeting.
On Saturday my lovely wife was at work and I had our small daughter for the evening. I decided to take her for a walk in her stroller that doubles as a small SUV. As I made my way to a busy street I saw that the light was red and thought it was safe to cross the other direction. I moved too fast and ended up in the middle of the crosswalk as the light changed. I made a horrible mistake and my heart sunk. I had put my child in danger because of that mistake, and I felt awful.
We can't avoid making those judgments, but we can avoid dwelling on those judgments and drawing entire conclusions of a person based on one brief meeting.
I waved and apologized to the car in front of me that had to wait for us to cross. Then, just as I made it across the street, a man yelled from his car and used some expletives to tell me what a terrible father I was. After screaming at me and using language I try to keep my daughter from, he drove away.
This was the experience that made me realize our society has become one to pass judgment on an individual from one fleeting moment.
I would never purposefully put my child in danger. Day in and day out I do all I can to keep her safe and healthy. But yes, as most humans do, I made an unfortunate mistake. This man had no idea what kind of a father I am, and from what he saw I understand why he thought I was an awful one. But is it fair to label a person we do not know because of one incidence?
Why do we assume the woman on the corner with a cigarette in her mouth is an unfit parent who probably blows smoke in her child's face? Or why do we think a man working outside is an illegal immigrant who is "stealing" our jobs because of the way he looks or speaks?
Why do we assume the woman on the corner with a cigarette in her mouth is an unfit parent who probably blows smoke in her child's face? Or why do we think a man working outside is an illegal immigrant who is "stealing" our jobs because of the way he looks or speaks?
Maybe that smoker is having trouble quitting and makes sure she smokes outside, out of the way of her child. And maybe that man is an American citizen who works hard day in and day out for his family.
I am guilty of these snap judgments. I'm the one who assumes the person driving in front of me with their blinker on and never making that right turn wakes up in the morning, flips the turn signal on and doesn't make a right turn all day. They are small things, but those judgments can greatly affect those we judge.
When this man yelled at me, I was first angry and immediately assumed he is a massive jerk who probably uses that language around his kids, making them foul-mouthed jerks as well. Then, after I had a moment to calm down, I realized I just passed the same judgment on him that he did with me. It's possible that man was having a bad day and me crossing the street at the wrong time was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe he had an earlier experience where he almost hit a child because the kid darted across the street, and then seeing me do the same thing scared him, which I'm sure it did.
What it all comes down to is, I do not know him, and I cannot assume I do from one passing moment. There are great people out there, but because of our own snap judgments we may never get to know them.
Edward T. Creagan, M.D. of the Mayo Clinic wrote on this very subject and related a story of finding a dog during a morning run. He tried to keep the dog from running out into the street by giving it simple commands. When the dog would not obey he made the assumption that this dog was unintelligent and disobedient. When he returned the dog to his Spanish speaking owner, realizing the canine had been trained in a language other than English, his feelings toward the animal quickly changed.
"Thinking back on this episode makes me laugh, but it also reminds me not to make judgments about people — or pets — without having all the information," wrote Creagan. "I'd thought the dog had a low IQ, since he couldn't follow even simple commands. Turns out I was the slow one."
This is a call to all of us to make a change. Let's remember we're all different. Let's remember we all make mistakes and all have our faults. It won't be easy, but I'll try and stop shaking my head and muttering under my breath at the person with their blinker on, or at my neighbor who continues to light off fireworks after midnight. I will, unfortunately, continue to make snap judgments without thinking from time to time, but from now on I will be more aware of what I'm thinking and especially what I'm doing.
I hope all of us can be a little more empathetic and patient with others. And to you sir, who I most certainly scared by crossing the street at the wrong time with my precious daughter, I apologize and promise not to make that mistake or the mistake of assuming I know exactly who you are from one specific moment again.
E-mail: jclyde@ksl.com
