Finding a few Zs for Generation X

Finding a few Zs for Generation X


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SALT LAKE CITY — Like many of my friends born in the first few years of Generation X in the "Why me?" years, I need help to get to sleep.

It will come as no surprise that I believe in better living through appropriate pharmaceuticals. I got that concept from my doctor — my actual, medically trained and state-licensed physician.

Snap Dingy-dog, the guy on the corner, says almost the same thing, but his comment is more by way of self promotion of his home business.

Failed attempts at sleep

I have tried the non-pill methods for my sleeping problem but none has worked. My list of failed remedies includes warm milk, regular sleep patterns, no TV before bedtime, eating before 6 p.m., reading scriptures, picturing myself on an island, and talking about myself and my accomplishments with my wife (puts her right to sleep).

Then there's crystals, copper pyramids, and chunky green sludge milkshakes — nothing.

Over-the-counter sleep aids and antihistamines sometimes work but they make my nose want an island of its own.

My psychologist — who, on Tuesdays and Thursdays doubles as my aerobics instructor — told me that he focuses nocturnally on a calming, soothing activity with the lights kept low before bedtime. He suggested that I do the same.

I had him write down his structure for a good night's sleep.

Suggestions from a psychologist

Yoga is his favorite pre-snooze activity, which he does on a bamboo mat accompanied by a recording of pan flute classics or Barry Manilow. Just before his bath (in luke-warm water laced with cucumbers and lavender), he takes melatonin and then dons his sleeping attire made from natural fibers and woven together by monks in the Amazon Basin.

He then suggests good breathing from his abdominals. “Close your eyes and try taking deep, slow breaths, making each even deeper than the last. In through the belly and out through …" I didn’t really hear the last part, but it sounded like he said “Connecticut."


Frankly, I haven't put a whole lot of effort into the whole breathing-for-a-better-sleep because it reminds me too much of a modern dance class I took at BYU, where I had an unsavory experience with leotards — several of them.

I have gone through all of the body parts I know, but nothing sounds like “Connecticut.”

Frankly, I haven’t put a whole lot of effort into the whole breathing-for-a-better-sleep because it reminds me too much of a modern dance class I took at BYU, where I had an unsavory experience with leotards — several of them.

My instructor uses soothing blue light — like they do for the P.M. shift on the Starship Enterprise. This is all done before lying down. Once prone, he starts to tense the muscles in his feet. He holds for a count of 11, and then relaxes. He continues to do this for every muscle group in his body, working his way up to his head. This takes him three hours.

When I asked what he does with his kids while he is “in preparation for slumber,” he stared at me blankly. “I don’t have kids. Who can sleep with kids?" he said. “With kids around, try taking "Dozonoid PM." (made-up name)

"Dozonoid PM" and "Xanado-do": pros and cons of pharmaceuticals

The common side effects listed for “Dozonoid PM” include constipation, dry mouth, nodding off at work, trouble concentrating, dizziness, unsteadiness, allergic reactions, facial swelling, memory lapses, hallucinations, and complex sleep-related behaviors — like sleep-walking, sleep-driving, lost memory of one's post-pill activity and sleep-eating (which explains the several missing lasagnas and three doggy snack sacks.)

Today, I am happily, willfully taking a pill whose promise of effectiveness states that "one should hide one's car keys and stay off Facebook while under the influence." People are doing some weird stuff while taking “Xanado-do” (another made-up name for the same pill).

#sleeppoll

My pharmacist, Sherman, is gathering Xanado-do pill stories for his memoirs, for which I have suggested the title “A spoon full of Sherman.”

Along with that snappy title, I have come up with the following contributions for the book of my own strange activity post-pill:

  • I have set up work lights outside in order to weed the garden at 2 a.m.
  • I also threw away all our couch pillows and re-covered a lamp shade in faux zebra.
  • Then I painted my kitchen grout green so no one could see the mold.

(At least I am not the guy who emailed friends a photo of himself in his high school Speedo, and then cut out an opening for a French door in his bathroom — above his tub.)

All the bizarre-a-tudes I experience while taking my sleeping pill are still preferable to not sleeping, or to finely getting to sleep at the crack of noon.

Things are better with a few self-imposed rules to follow, and by self-imposed I mean that the family voted on it and informed me of the result of the caucus in writing. I can no longer take my pill unless I am in or on my bed, wearing what passes for pajamas, ready to put myself down for the evening.

The good thing about not sleeping well and pharmaceutical assists is that I have become less and less judgmental when my neighbor is out trimming his lawn with pinking sheers by the light of the moon, and more inclined to let him borrow my work light.


*

About the Author: Davison Cheney --------------------------------

Davison Cheney writes "The Prodigal Dad" series every week on ksl.com. Please do not call Davison's wife to offer her a deal on a gun. Do check out his other writings at davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com.*

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