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LIFEadvice: Making sure you're not the problem

LIFEadvice: Making sure you're not the problem

Estimated read time: 5-6 minutes

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SALT LAKE CITY -- Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you.

In this week's column, a comment was sent in about the article “Refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person” that I thought was important to address.


Sometimes you may think the other person is wrong, even though it is really you with the problem. Don’t we need to take a good look at ourselves, instead of blaming everything on the other person? How do you know if you are the one who is deluded by your perspective or if they are?


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In every scenario, you want to make sure you are seeing the situation and the people involved accurately. Universal principles of truth are the best guide to clarity. Here are some simple principles to help you check yourself:

  1. Make sure you are seeing the other person as the same as you. Make sure you are not making them the bad guy so you can feel superior. You are both struggling human beings doing the best you can with what you know at the time. You are not better or worse than anyone else. Can you see yourself and the other person from God’s perspective? Can you stop judging them for their flaws and making them out as worse than you? Can you see you are also flawed? When you can, you will see the situation clearly and with compassion.
  2. Make sure you are not applying meaning to the situation that isn’t really there. Just because you think or believe something doesn’t make it true. Take out the assumptions and give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time, they are trying to be a good person as much as you are.

How can you rise to the occasion and be more loving, wise and forgiving? Are you up for that? If not, keep working on you.

  1. Make sure you are coming from a place of love. If you are in a selfish place where your focus is on protecting and promoting you, you are not experiencing love. Before you address this situation, make sure you are not being motivated by your ego’s need to be validated or win. Choose to be a force for love in this situation. How can you heal, inspire, lift or encourage the other person to see and be their goodness? How can you rise to the occasion and be more loving, wise and forgiving? Are you up for that? If not, keep working on you.
  2. Clarify what is in your control. Get out a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. On one side write down everything that is your responsibility and in your control. On the other side write down what’s not. Once you are clear, focus on the things you can control. Work on being loving, wise and mature when it comes to your half of the problem. Don’t let the other person entice you to behave badly back. Choose to be a better you.
  3. Choose to be in trust. This situation is in your life for a perfect reason. It is here to show you things about yourself, teach you things or to give you an opportunity to step it up. What is it showing you? What is the perfect purpose this challenge is bringing to your life? How can this situation make you better?
  4. Remember, no one can diminish you. They can think you are a horrible, dumb, ugly whatever, but that does not make it true. It does not change you in any way. They cannot hurt you or take away from your infinite and absolute value. You are a good soul in a perfect and divine process of learning and growing. Your value is set by God and nothing can change it. You are bulletproof. When you have to deal with people who don’t like you, just smile. It doesn’t matter what they think. Choose to love them anyway. Choose to smile and feel safe.

You can also choose to avoid people who throw darts your way, but if you can’t avoid them, you can choose to surround yourself with a force field of love and let the poison darts bounce off.

One of my favorite authors, Og Mandino, in his book "The Greatest Salesman in the World," writes, “How will I react to the actions of others? With love. For just as love is my weapon to open the hearts of men, love is also my shield to repulse the arrows of hate and the spears of anger.”

When you surround yourself with a force field of love, you can withstand the harshest of comments. They can't touch you. When you need to speak your truth or defend yourself, do so without fear. Speak your truth within strength and love.

Keep working on you all the time.

It’s the thing you are here to do. Assume your conclusions, if driven by ego, are probably wrong. Choose love and trust and you will find the truth.

You can do this — every day is practice.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of and She is a life coach and speaker and has a radio show,

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