Keeping close as twosome after baby makes 3

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SALT LAKE CITY -- I held a baby only twice before giving birth to my own son. With that vast experience, I planned my postpartum days. I would spend more quality time with my husband, sitting on the couch discussing how we would expose our child to the arts. It would be a perfect time to start my freelance writing career. My baby would sleep blissfully for hours in a cradle beside my desk while I tirelessly wrote the Great American Novel. Time would tick away like a well-wound clock so that my main challenge would be getting bored once in a while.

But as you can imagine, nothing went like clockwork.

Childbirth instructor Christy Ridd and marriage and family therapists Rick Vassar and Kent McDonald say that my experience is typical. Though having a baby tops the chart as a long-anticipated lifetime milestone, and your life will never be the same, it’s possible to combine elements of your new and old life to hang onto the best of both worlds. They offer the following suggestions for keeping your marriage — and your life — alive through the postpartum passage.

Develop a postpartum plan before your baby is born.

To help avoid postpartum exhaustion, disappointment and alienation from your spouse, Ridd suggests developing a postpartum plan. “Consider the usual responsibilities of a couple and a family, then decide who is going to carry out those tasks following the birth. The immediate family, extended family, neighbors and possibly hired household help could be included. When designing your plan, decide what tasks you can prioritize and cut out and what you must keep,” Ridd said.

Plan ahead to nurture each other.

All three experts strongly recommend a weekly date as husband and wife. Even just a walk or a quick drive to get a soda will work. “The couple needs to look for opportunities to still be husband and wife and purposely set aside time for this. Possibly grandma and grandpa can watch the baby while they have a weekly movie night,” Vassar said.

Keep talking to each other.

McDonald explains that a new baby adds additional lines of communication. “Now there is not only communication between Mom and Dad but between Dad and Baby and Mom and Baby, along with the interaction of that communication between all of the people involved.”

Because men maintain their relationships through service and exchange and women do so through communications, women may feel that “if he's not talking to her, he's not her friend,” McDonald said. He suggests parents focus on talking about what is positive in their relationship and in their family or what they are teaching their child and how it is working. “The most important thing is, keep talking.”

Encourage Dad's involvement.

A husband may feel overlooked as the wife tends to the baby, Vassar said. He encourages mothers to be patient with their husbands and encourage their involvement in their children's lives. “Before your baby is born, discuss your expectations and how you view your roles as Mom and Dad. Then� the wife should find ways to compliment her husband's efforts rather than critiquing what he is doing.”

Ease into intimacy.

Before your baby is born, discuss your expectations and how you view your roles as Mom and Dad. Then - the wife should find ways to compliment her husband's efforts rather than critiquing what he is doing.

–Family therapist Rick Vassar

One in 10 moms experiences the symptoms of postpartum depression — fatigue, anxiety, appetite and sleep disturbances, lack of interest in the baby, and lack of interest in intimacy. Understanding a mom's physiological experience can help smooth relations.

“A mom has elevated hormones. Her moods are real erratic, which could be taken personally,” Ridd explains. “It helps for the husband to understand that such reactions are physiological and often accentuate emotions that will calm after the symptoms subside.”

Additionally, a mom who cares for baby may feel saturated with touch, Ridd said. “The father may get the message that she is not interested in physical affection when what she is feeling is quite normal. The mom is really saying, ‘I don't want touch — I need someone to nurture me.' ”. She recommends a lot of nurturing touch to ease back into intimacy.

Seek help when needed.

There are countless resources for new parents through doctors and clinics, religious and community organizations, nonprofits, support groups and many more. McDonald encourages parents to contact the Parent Education Resource Center within their school district for information about relationships, marriage, family life and parenting. Some districts have a separate location for the resource center and others have a collection of books and other materials at the library. Some centers offer parenting and relationship classes. New moms may consider seeking or starting a support group to share ideas for parenting and marriage. The Internet abounds with support groups for mothers, fathers and couples.

Ridd and the other experts agree: Seek help when you need it. Composed parents bond better with baby. In both new parenthood and marriage, stress rises from unmet expectations or not meeting goals and milestones.

“Remember,” says one new mom, “if you do one thing you have to, and one thing you want to, it's been a great day.”

Carolyn Campbell is the author of three books and 800 articles.