4 things to consider when people offer unwanted advice

4 things to consider when people offer unwanted advice

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SALT LAKE CITY — Whether you’re pursuing your second master’s degree or celebrating your 20th year in the same position at work, there might be at least one person in your life that feels your aim is off and is more than willing to tell you how to fix it.

We've all been on the end of unsolicited advice about what we are doing with our lives. Understanding why people do that and how we can respond can help us stay in control and avoid damaging relationships.

How does one deal with the judgment of others, especially when they might be in our family or close circles of friends? Here are four things to consider.

1. People’s opinions actually speak more about them than you.

Researcher and Wake Forest professor Dustin Woods explained it this way: "Your perceptions of others reveal so much about your own personality."

Woods helped conduct a study in 2010 that showed what you say about others says a lot about you. The study showed when people saw positive traits in others, it revealed their own positive traits. Conversely, their negative perceptions and words were linked to linked to higher levels of narcissism and antisocial behavior.

"A huge suite of negative personality traits are associated with viewing others negatively," Wood said in a news statement. "The simple tendency to see people negatively indicates a greater likelihood of depression and various personality disorders."

Before you accuse your family member of being an antisocial narcissist, remember it goes both ways — your views of others say something about yourself as well.

2. Consider what in their lives might be causing them to feel this way.

If they say you're aiming too high: For those who express opinions you are aiming too high in life, consider what in their lives might cause them to feel this way. Is their concern out of fear or love or pride? Are they dissatisfied with their own lives? Have they failed at what you’re striving for? Will they feel "left behind" if you achieve your dreams?

Perhaps their concern is out of love, and they truly worry that your aspirations are damagingly high. If they are a trusted loved one, it might be wise to consider their input. Sometimes we can get caught up in our dreams and not see the risk or ramifications. A humble seeking of the intent of others and a willingness to honestly listen and consider valid concerns is wise.

If they say you're aiming too low: When someone shares a concern you are aiming too low, do the same as mentioned above: consider what in their lives is causing them to feel that way and if their concerns are out of fear or love or pride.

Intentions matter. What might make them feel entitled the judges where you are or dictate the direction of your life? Do they feel superior? Do they put value on worldly success or labels, and assume if one’s not aspiring to such they aren’t rising to their potential? Or, do they love you and feel you can truly achieve more than you are?

An honest introspection might find that your fears and insecurities are truly holding you back from the risk of growth and opportunity. Is there a chance they are right?

3. A few ways to respond to unsolicited or unwanted advice.

When someone hands out unwanted advice like candy on Halloween night, it’s nice to know the best ways to counter.

"Responding to unsolicited (and bad) advice can be a bit of an art form," wrote therapist and author Amy Morin in a post for Psychology Today. "If you sound semi-interested, you may open the door to more bad advice. But if you shut the person down too aggressively, you can damage your relationship with them."

Morin offers six ways to respond:

  • “I’ll think about that.”
  • “Good idea. I’ll consider if that’s right for me.”
  • “That’s an interesting opinion, but I prefer to do it this way.”
  • “I’m actually not looking for advice right now”
  • “That’s not actually in line with my values.”
  • “I’m not going to do that.”
You can also follow their advice with questions for them to determine their motive and their place in life. If they are open to giving suggestions, they should be open to questions as well. If they are coming from a place of love, they will answer them willingly.

“The key is to reply in a manner that doesn’t give away your personal power," Morin wrote.

4. Spouses have higher security clearance.

When you marry, you promise to walk hand-in-hand and side-by-side with this person the rest of your lives. You vow to follow the same path, putting their concerns above yours and love them above all else. You are no longer an “I”, you are a “we.” And as such, spouses have the right to question each other’s goals and encourage one another as they keep each other on track.

When your spouse expresses concerns regarding your goals, it’s time to listen closely and honestly consider what they’re saying. It’s easy to get lost in ambitious aspirations or comfortable complacency. But when personal dreams take precedence over the couple’s dreams, it can lead to a dangerous and divisive territory. Marriage is a delicate balance of encouragement, redirection, sacrifice, compromise, and always love.

Ultimately what you do with your life is your choice. You have an obligation to your spouse to be united in priorities and commitment. As for everyone else, be polite, be open, be thoughtful, but own your choices and dreams.


M. Elizabeth writes about women's issues, family, adoption, personal growth & more. She loves giant bowls of ice cream and witty humor and believes people should be real and brave. You can find her at www.melizabethwilson.com.- - - - - -

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