SALT LAKE CITY -- Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you.

Question:

We seriously dread the holidays. For us it means family parties, drama, arguments and hurt feelings. It's a tradition we can't escape. My family can't get together without fighting and my spouse's family is even worse. Yet they both manipulate us with guilt into spending time with them. Do you have any advice for surviving the holiday parties with our relatives?

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Answer:

I have a feeling you are not alone on this. According to a MailOnline article, 30 percent of people celebrating Christmas with their relatives admitted they’d rather be elsewhere. For many people, family gatherings are a huge source of tension.

George Burns once said, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family … in another city.”

Family parties become even more stressful when relatives have experienced problems like divorce or a lost job during the year. These situations can make people even more sensitive and easy to offend. (This has been a rough year for many people, so watch out.)

The study mentioned above also showed that for 60 percent of us, the most stressful thing about the holidays is not credit card debt or buying presents, it’s deciding which side of the family to spend the day with.

Here are some ideas to rule your yule:

• Don’t overcommit yourself. Sit down with your partner ahead of time and decide which parties would make the holidays peaceful and fun for you.
• Start a new low-stress tradition, like spending the holidays with one family this year and rotate next year. Or, you could set aside a date to spend time with each family before or after the holiday, but save Christmas Day for you and your spouse. If you choose this, it doesn’t make you selfish; you are making the choice to build bonds in your own immediate family, not your extended family. Just let your families know well in advance that you won’t be visiting. Making plans ahead of time softens the blow and let’s them change their expectations. Last- minute rejections hurt.

Relaed

Gratitude, forgiveness help ease holiday stress

If you already are feeling the stress of the season, a University of Utah psychology professor says gratitude and forgiveness can help.

1. If you decide to attend the family party, then go with a good attitude. If you spend the day grouchy and resentful, no one wins. Here are a few tips for surviving family parties with a smile:- Remember, you are not responsible for other people’s happiness. If they choose to complain, ignore them.
   • Create an emergency hand signal and arrange with your spouse to rescue you from annoying relatives.
   • Use place cards and arrange seating to keep touchy family members away from each other.
   • Be patient and let unkind comments roll off. Remember, all bad behavior is a request for love. The worse the behavior, the more that person needs love and validation. Treat them with kindness, even when they don’t deserve it.
   • Don’t take anything personally. If someone says something mean, let it go. It’s not really about you. It’s about their fear and low self-esteem. They may have to put down others to feel good enough. Choose not to be offended. Let them keep their yucky energy to themselves.
   • Ask lots of questions and let other people talk. Allowing another person to do the talking makes them feel valued at the deepest level. Be someone who cares enough to listen. If someone offers unsolicited advice, just thank them. People give advice to make them feel important too. Again, it’s not about you. Don’t waste time being bothered by it.

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LIFEadvice: Refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

Coach Kim will give valuable advice on dealing with toxic, irrational people. You will learn how to see these situations accurately and handle them with love and wisdom.

1. If you are the one who has a tendency to say the wrong things, keep your mouth full of holiday snacks and don’t talk too much — but look for low-fat food options. Remember, a closed mouth gathers no foot.
2. Don’t drink too much.
3. Avoid sarcasm and correcting or criticizing anyone.
4. Avoid telling a story to top someone else’s.
5. If something goes without saying, let it.
6. Pay lots of compliments. Compliment everyone at the party. If you focus on giving to others, you won’t get caught up worrying about yourself.
7. Be the love in the room. Be there to make others feel loved and valued. Don’t worry about whether they love you — be there to give.
8. Don’t try to convert or lecture anyone on your ideas and opinions.
9. Don’t bring up controversial topics like politics or religion. If this is always an issue, you may want to think of some safe topics of conversation ahead of time. If you think you have the goofiest, craziest, most messed up family in the world, remember that almost everyone feels the same way — and messed up as they are, these people are in your life for a reason: They are probably in your life to help you become a better person.

Ask yourself what dealing with your family members could teach you. How could you step it up and show more love and compassion? How could you be a better person?

Make each family gathering a contest to see how loving, mature and calm you can be. You will at least feel good about yourself on the way home.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com.

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