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SALT LAKE CITY — I was recently invited to a meeting at my friend's third cousin's house that has me all aquiver with excitement. It was a money-making activity similar to some of these tiered multi-level marketing business opportunities to whose meetings I am continually invited because of my bubbly, somewhat vapid personality.
The typical MLM drill
I have been part of some of these MLM opportunities before, and generally I have not been impressed with anything about the meetings except the complete secrecy of topic and the yummy-ness of snacks available once I have made it through the three-hour presentation.
In my experience, the third hour is a piece of cake: They usually show a video of people driving nice houses and living in big cars. If I lean on your elbows just right and incorporate the I'm-starting-to-fall-asleep head-bop I learned in church, it looks like I am deep in thought.
#mlm_poll
Several of these companies — at least as I have understood from the portion of the meetings where I was not snooze-festing — actually have products to sell, which is impressive.
Most times there also are lovely brochures in full color with pictures of bars of soap, bottles of soap and pump-spray soaps; and there was one soap-on-a-rope that I think was a good thing for some of the MLM founders themselves to have access to when these companies go under and the judge sentences them to a nice man prison in Ithaca.
Sometimes there are desserts involved, spelled in a creative fashion like Choc-o-Lot-o! I fearlessly bring those home to my wife in my shirt pocket because there is no way they will melt without a Bunsen burner.
These chocolates are chock full of … chock, as it turns out. Apparently vitamins, minerals and antioxidants do not mix as well with cocoa as, say, almonds, caramel or milk of magnesia — which is refreshingly minty and can only be fully appreciated the next day.
Finally, my kind of MLM
This particular company had a different and original approach that I have never seen, even in an MLM parody on one of the SUV, SVU, FBI, PDQ or NYPD in LA shows. Being that the approach was new and that no one in this company had ever been arrested, I decided it was worth a meeting as long as they did, indeed, serve barbecue mini-weenies as they promised on the brochure.
Their campaign had to do, if I may be brief, with gathering up all my love ones, consolidating my resources and moving to Afghanistan to hunt down terrorists. My job: to take the terrorists' photos and post them on YouTube for the reward money.
"Their campaign had to do, if I may be brief, with gathering up all my love ones, consolidating my resources and moving to Afghanistan to hunt down terrorists."
Sells itself, doesn't it?
Of course, there's what to do with the pets while we are away; and we will need someone to gather up the mail and water the garden while we are on what we will tell the kids is our "family working vacation."
However, if we invest just three summer months (with supplemental two-week training in Pocatello) then the kids won't miss school and my wife and I won't have to complete those horrible makeup assignments.
Additionally, we might be able to save on food money. I hear it is so hot in the Middle East that no one feels like eating much, so a crate of Kool-Aid might do us until typhoon season — which we could miss entirely if we stay motivated, and if my youngest daughter, Annie, gets in some early target practice.
There is the issue of a little up-front money as an investment for forging the passports, travel documents and other papers, as well as establishing residency in one of the adjoining countries in order to blend. There may be beards involved — which won't be as hard for me as it will for the kids, but challenges in any new business venture are to be expected and embraced.
I am just so glad I didn’t have to say no again to a friend, who probably would never have asked me to be involved in this kind of business venture had he been able to feed his family in this poor economy.
What kind of friend says no?
All I need to do now is convince my wife that this MLM is the one — which shouldn't be a problem with all these barbecue weenies I stuffed in my suit coat pocket during the video.
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Main image: With many MLM's, its me, then you...then the world! But first, me. (Photo: behindmlm.com)
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*Davison Cheney writes "The Prodigal Dad" series every week on ksl.com. Please do not call Davison's wife to offer her a deal on a gun. Do check out his other writings at davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com**
