Expert weighs in on the benefits of failure for children


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SPRINGVILLE — Dani Brinkerhoff has three little kids. Between their backyard playground and climbing trees, she has her hands full.

"I have very strong-willed kids even though they're 5 and 3," Brinkerhoff said.

So when it comes to simple things, like pouring a drink, sometimes her first thought is to take the juice from them.

"I think oh I should just do it because it's going to be easier for me, I won't have to clean up apple juice all over the floor," she said.

But she knows that's damaging in the long run.

"Letting them do it and spill and then clean up the mess, they learn," she said.

And experts agree with her.

Marissa Diener, family and consumer studies associate professor at the University of Utah, says parents have a tendency to shield their children from disappointments or frustrations that come with failures.

"They want to, of course they want to, because parents love their kids," she said.

Success promotes competence and self-esteem, she said.

"But failures, I think, can also be very beneficial for kids."

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Diener says it helps kids evaluate what went wrong.

"So that next time you encounter that same situation or a similar situation or even a very different situation, you can take what you learn and apply it," she said.

Failure can bring disappointment, frustration and even anger.

"As a child you're learning, well what can I do, how do I use those emotions," she said.

Diener said it's helpful for parents to give their children feedback and cultivate hope to prepare them for future challenges.

"People who have that kind of tenacity that they learn in the face of failure," Diener said, "those people have a tendency to be very successful later."

Brinkerhoff admits it's easier when they're young.

"I think right now with them being so young the failures aren't so big," Brinkerhoff said.

But that changes as the children get older. Todd Justesen is the associate director of housing at the U. of U. He often deals with parents.

"They'll call, and they're kind of calling stealth-wise that they're saying my student or resident is having problems with this situation," he said.


Letting them do it and spill and then clean up the mess, they learn.

–Dani Brinkerhoff, mother


Calls from parents can be helpful in those kinds of situations, he said. But other calls from parents can be too involved.

"They want you to come through and fully solve the problem," he said, "without involving the student or without having to even speak with the student. They want it done now."

Justesen attributes these overly involved parents to students' use of technology.

"When they get out of a test that they didn't feel like they did well, that they post something on social media site saying, I can't believe I just failed this exam," he said. "And then parents see this quickly."

And parents want to step in.

"When they hurt you hurt," Brinkerhoff said. "But you kind of have to let them experience it."

She hopes she can teach her children through failures about life.

"You're not supposed to be perfect, and you can learn from your mistakes."

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Emilee Bench

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