Estimated read time: 3-4 minutes
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You've worked and slaved for your employer for years, without so much as a ‘thank you' or gift certificate to the Dollar Tree Store. Now the time has come for you to ask . . . nay, to DEMAND . . . a raise.
But don't go about it the wrong way — and by that we mean appearing before your boss dressed like Freddie the Freeloader, with glycerin dabbed on your cheeks to simulate tears of hunger, meekly imploring him or her for a mere pittance more so you can give your children a crust of bread for their dinner.
This will get you nowhere with your boss, because a boss, by definition, has less pity and charity than a king cobra. That's why they are the boss. You will need some crafty strategy and subtle psychology in order to worm a raise out of the old skinflint. So pay attention, Bob Cratchit, and we'll show you how to get the raise you deserve:
- Find out when your boss is in the best mood. Some bosses are chipper and friendly in the mornings, and then gradually wind down and turn into snarling ogres by the time lunch rolls around. Others come in all glum and moody and gradually cheer up as Happy Hour approaches at 5 p.m. You need to meet with your boss to get your raise when he or she is at their optimum. Of course, some bosses are just plain nasty all day long. If that is the case, you might need to show up at their domicile around midnight to see how they are feeling. Strike while the iron is hot, or your raise will go up in smoke!
- Bluff your boss by showing up wearing top hat and tails, or a mink stole. Airily inform your boss that you have won the Irish Sweepstakes and so don't really need to work anymore, but because you feel a certain noblesse oblige towards him or her you will continue to show up for work — as long as your remuneration is appropriately increased to reflect your new social status as a gazillionaire. Use a hundred dollar bill to polish your monocle or lorgnette while you address them. If they don't come across with a big raise you can always rent yourself out to Gilligan's Island parties as the Thurston Howells.
- Don't ignore the power of bribery and blackmail. Instagram and Snapchat are invaluable social media tools for you to use if you can catch your boss in a compromising position. Or, alternately, you can appeal to their vanity by plastering their photograph all over your Facebook and Tweets. We do not, however, recommend kickbacks; mostly because you get stuck having to pay the full income tax yourself. And that's just not right!
- Demonstrate how much money you have saved the company in the past year, or how much money you have earned the company in the past year. Ways of doing this include graphs and bar charts that are incomprehensibly dense and confusing; testimonials from down-at-the-heels accounting agencies that are easily suborned; and letters from satisfied customers and clients explaining how your actions kept them from buying too many products or too much service, thus keeping them solvent and company profits modest. If all else fails, show up wearing nothing but a barrel and look emaciated. Maybe your boss does have a heart, after all. But, confidentially, you'd have a better chance if you actually BOUGHT a ticket to the Irish Sweepstakes.
If the suggestions above don't work, it may be time to find another job, your dream job. Find and list job opportunities at KSL Jobs.
