SALT LAKE CITY — This week I went to Dillard’s department store unshowered, unmade-up, and sporting a hair-do (hair-don’t) that would scare Donald Trump. Not ideal, but I’m a mom and these things happen. The plan was to sneak in under the radar, quickly make my purchase and breeze back out unnoticed by the glamorous employees who were polished and ready to host the day’s barrage of consumers.

It didn’t quite go down that way. In fact, I hadn’t even reached the escalator before a lovely woman in the Lancôme department eyed me hungrily.

“Would you be interested in a makeover?” she asked.

I looked around me as if another shopper could perhaps be the object of her salivation.

“You, ma’am. I’m asking you.”

Part of me wanted to shout, “YES! Please save me from myself!” (And I probably should have for my sake and everyone else’s.) But looking like yesterday’s news is the very thing that stopped me from accepting the offer. I’ll wait for a day I’m more put together, I thought, feeling too bad about my appearance to take the steps that would improve it.

Later, it struck me how this irony happens in marriages, too. The very times we need the most work on our relationships are the times we feel least inclined to put effort into them. We may feel despair, disillusion, frustration or sheer exhaustion — and on the worst days, wonder if our marriage is even worth the upkeep.

In the majority of cases, a committed companionship — especially one with children — is worth every effort at upkeep, so here are five steps to a marriage makeover that can revitalize and restore beauty to marriages that are buried under the busy layers of life.

Step 1: Makeup removal

We can’t apply today’s fabulous makeup to a face soiled by yesterday’s residue. For best results, we need to start with a clean canvas, viewing our marriage with the same kind of possibility and potential the Lancôme saleswoman saw in my drab face. This means letting go of daily annoyances or grudges we may be holding on to. It means looking ahead rather than behind and shifting our focus from the negatives to the positives.

The Journal of Clinical Psychology (2009) points out, “a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative comments predicts long-term marriage stability, while a ratio of 0.8:1 or lower predicts divorce.” A simple shift in communication patterns can make a big difference in our feelings toward a companion. And remember, cleansing is a daily process. We need to begin every single day with a clean slate and fresh perspective on our relationship.

Step 2: Moisturize

Consistent, daily moisturizer is our best chance at soft and supple skin, and our relationships need the same care and attention. There are many things we do to keep them well-lubed and running smoothly, but one of the most important is physical touch. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services recommends “eight to 10 meaningful touches a day” for physical and emotional well-being. But wait! Why do they have to remind couples to touch each other?

This advice may sound laughable in the early years of marriage, but over time and as kids join the mix, life can get on a pretty fast track, requiring a conscientious effort to keep connected. A 2003 study done by Brigham Young University found that “cuddling/holding, kissing on the lips, and hugging” play an important part in how easily a couple resolves conflict, but if you’re still not convinced of the importance of physical touch, put the 15-second kiss to the test. You’ll not only see results, you’ll have a lot of fun doing your “research.”

Step 3: Primer

This step is often skipped and yet offers makeup the best chance of being long-lasting and smooth. What do you tend to skip when it comes to your relationship? Are you missing a crucial element that might make all the difference? Ask your partner what you can do for him or her to make your marriage more rewarding. Learn to speak your spouse’s love language. Brown-Worsham reminds us many marriages “don't fail from big problems. … Very often, people end up splitting over the small things, especially once the small things add up.”

So pour a cup of kindness for your sweetie. Draw a heart on the bathroom mirror. Laugh together. Be silly. Be flirty. Write love letters — maybe even on paper. Be generous with compliments, creative with your date nights, and for the love of love, put down your phones and give each other your undivided attention.

Step 4: Foundation

When I was younger, I rarely put the time or expense into foundation. I didn’t need it and I didn’t like it. But as I get older, it’s a welcome gift to have coverage that hides imperfections. This is true for marriages, too. Our new and youthful relationships don’t encounter much faultiness early on (think honeymoon phase.) But after several years of marriage, our spouse has seen us in all sorts of situations, dealt with the whole spectrum of our moods and behaviors, and basically knows us inside and out.

This is largely the beauty of marriage — having a companion who knows everything about us and loves us anyway, as the adage goes. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make an effort to put our best foot forward. We’ve all had moments when we’re kinder to total strangers than we are to the person we love most. And what about those times we dress up for the day’s outings but scrounge around in pajama bottoms (or band shirts) once our spouse comes home?

I’m not suggesting a return to the 1950s mentality of makeup, skirts and perfectly coifed hair while doing the dishes, but let’s not underestimate the message we send to our spouse when we try to look and be our best for them.

Step 5: Makeup

First let me state for the record that a fresh, clean face can be just as beautiful as one accented in makeup. But this is an analogy here, so stick with me for the final step of applying colors, highlights and shadows that give dimension and drama to our look. Go to any drug or department store and you’ll quickly be overwhelmed by the many makeup choices. There aren’t three mascaras to choose from, there are 300. And don’t even get me started on the colors of eye shadow.

This tells me there is no one right look for any face, and our look can change every day. Approach your marriage with this same flexibility and open-mindedness. If things are dysfunctional, change the dynamics. If your relationship feels stagnant, shake it up and find new ways of connecting. Try different activities. Hang out with new people. Travel to unseen places, and do new and interesting things. Don’t limit the way you experience life as a couple. There are so many “beauty aids” available to you in the quest to enhance your relationship. Get busy discovering and experimenting!

And now, enjoy your new look

We were all rock star couples on the day we said “I do,” and although reality can weigh us down with some pretty thick gravity, it’s healthy to revisit the feelings of optimism and hope we felt early on. When in need of marriage renovation, we should commit to it the way we’d attack an outdated kitchen: Tear up old floors, strip yellowed wallpaper, and begin the satisfying project of updating. Don’t be the woman in Dillard’s who ducks away from the makeover. A little time and effort can go a long way in creating the new look of any relationship, and the reward will be infinitely worth it.

Amy Maughan is a graduate of Brigham Young University and holds an MFA from Vermont College of Fine Arts. She lives in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, with Superman and five busy offspring. EMAIL: heymaughan@gmail.com Twitter: @heymaughan

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