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According to the experts, you should take your resume in for a tune up every other month. You know, just in case your dream job comes rolling around. I’ve been studying the ebooks, blogs, Facebook pages and Youtube videos that tell you how to upgrade your resume and it’s all too much for me. Resume tweaking is now a national pastime, like lying about your fishing trip or exaggerating your love life.
I’ve decided that my resume is going to be a plain, honest document. Tell the truth and shame the devil, as my granny used to say.
RESUME.
Contact Information: It varies, depending on whether or not you are a bill collector.
Career Statement: Seeking employment that will empower me to take power naps while providing a challenging environment where I can point fingers as a team player. I envision long meetings leading to even longer lunches, which, in turn, will produce pointless power points and personal growth as I eat all the snacks in the break room.
Education:
- Kindergarten. Held back for remedial sandbox. Voted “Most Likely to Need Potty Training Later in Life.”
- Grade School. Awarded the Green Piece Medal for construction paper hoarding.
- High School. Appointed Home Room Monitor three straight years in a row, and given Honorable Mention for cleaning my plate in the Cafeteria.
- Hoboken Barber College. Valedictorian and class “cut-up”.
Previous employment:
- Shemp Howard Self-Defense Academy. Instructor. I came up with the company motto: “Never Pull Your Punches.”
- Einstein Relativity Institute. Door-to-door sales of vegetable peelers.
- Binswanger Industries. Tally man. I tallied de bananas . . . daylight come and me wanna go home.
- Bill Gates Catering. Server. The owner was a lousy cook; I advised him to go into some other line of business. I wonder whatever became of him.
- Prufrock, Grundy, Jeeves and Oblamov; Law Firm. Junior Partner. I specialized in alienation of affection and breach of promise cases, and excelled all other partners in billing & cooing hours.
- Himmelfahrt Bakery. I was supposed to produce light and fluffy bismarcks – but they sank.
Hobbies and Interests: Pumpkins.
Reason for Seeking New Employment: My current office is full of pumpkins.
What I can bring to your organization:
- No attention to detail.
- Familiarity with Pig Latin, zither repair and the formula for Sal Hepatica.
- Quibbles.
- Lace antimacassars.
- A persistent case of Moon Pall.
- A sense of rumor.
- Hubris.
Shakespeare: “He was a man. Take him all in all I shall not look on his like again.”
Groucho Marx: “He has a point there, but a good hat will cover it.”
Rabelais: “There are more old drunkards than old physicians.”
