Estimated read time: 4-5 minutes
This archived news story is available only for your personal, non-commercial use. Information in the story may be outdated or superseded by additional information. Reading or replaying the story in its archived form does not constitute a republication of the story.
SALT LAKE CITY — Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others and become the best you.
Question:
I loved your article on self-sacrifice and I’m trying to take care of myself, but my boyfriend doesn't want me to stand up for myself. When I do, he says I don't really want him in my life anymore. He thinks I’m a mean, selfish person if I get bothered with how I’m treated. Do you have any advice on how to actually transform this relationship?
Answer:
Your boyfriend is using guilt to manipulate you. So, I’d like to explain how you recognize manipulation and give you some ideas for getting out of or dealing with this person.
Here are some suggestions for dealing with this person:
1) If this is a friend or romantic interest, you might want to at least consider ending this relationship post haste. It is highly unlikely that this person is going to change, unless this person agrees to some serious professional help which most manipulators don’t think they need. It is best to deliver this news quickly and leave the premises so you cannot be manipulated and pulled back in. Sometimes it is best to break these relationships off by email or text to avoid further manipulation.
2) If you decide to end this relationship, you are going to need a good support system to stand by you, and in some cases protect you from conversations with this person. You have the right to refuse to talk about it.
3) You must recognize that your low self-esteem is partly responsible for this situation. You may want to get some professional help from a counselor or coach to work on your self-image. You must learn to see yourself as bulletproof and refuse to let other people determine your value. You are a one-of-a-kind, amazing, irreplaceable being and nothing anyone says or does can diminish you.
4) If this person gets angry and tries to retaliate in any way, do not react or even respond. Let it go and move forward with your life. In some cases you may need a restraining order.
5) You are also going to need to grow a back bone and establish some boundaries. If this person is a parent or sibling, you can’t break up with them. So, you must have clearly defined boundaries and a strategy for enforcing them. Then you calmly repeat these boundaries over and over until they get it. You won’t be pushed around anymore.
6) You must stop caring what other people think of you, even your relatives. What they think is irrelevant and cannot affect, change or diminish you. They cannot hurt you without your permission.
Make it your official policy that it doesn’t matter what this person thinks of you.
Harriet Braiker wrote a book called “Who’s Pulling Your Strings?” In it she said, “If you are an approval addict, your behavior is as easy to control as that of any other junkie. All a manipulator need do is a simple two-step process: Give you what you crave, and then threaten to take it away. Every drug dealer in the world plays this game.”
You have got to quit playing this game with this person. You must figure out who you are and not let other people tell you different. When you let go of your need for approval and claim the power to determine your value and character, you will be free and invincible.
If this is proving difficult, I highly recommend some professional help.
Hope this helps.
*
*Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in overcoming fear. She offers a free webinar every Tuesday night with info on her website. Read her every Monday morning on ksl.com.**
