What's in a baby name?

What's in a baby name?


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SALT LAKE CITY — My lovely daughter, Myelda, read me the list of names she is considering for her next child, who we recently discovered will be a boy.

I give a deep thank you at this point to a few of my lucky stars, because that knowledge has eliminated more than half the insanity Myelda had on her list.

A quick example of the aforementioned names based in madness: Hessica. Poliarial. Brianna Ole' (check out those initials).

You may be wondering where I get off complaining about names, having bestowed the moniker "Myelda" on my girl. I didn’t. FYI, myeldest daughter — Myelda.

She has, on her birth certificate, a normal, God-fearing name — one that can be yelled at the top of my lungs in the mall without the crowd looking at me like I was having a spasm. It is a name that has done her well.

Unfortunately, even with girls names having been eliminated, there are a few unisex names that Myelda has carried over to the current list.

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Before I mention them, let me apologize to all the boys out there named Caius, a name Myelda is seriously considering.Caius. Or Kayious?Kayak? Why doesn't she just name the boy “my mom may have been dropped on her head“ or “never gonna have a serious relationship.” She can hyphenate either one.

And either would look cool on the back of an O-line jersey.

“Here comes the blitz," says the high school sports announcer, "and the entire defense is dropped by place-your-mother's-stupid-idea-for-a-name-here."

I will admit a partiality to names that sound like they could have stepped right out of the Bible or a Dickens novel — Joseph, David, Matthew, Marty — anything that can't be preceded or followed easily by a "Bob," "Boy," "Bo" or "Ray."

Nothing, please, that could be misconstrued for a disease either.

So when Myelda started her baby name list with Fervor and Adolf (because it hasn’t been used in so long!) I left the room and gagged a little.

My daughter, however, followed me to the bathroom — with the book.

The books title is something like “Baby Names With Which to Irritate Your Loved One." Let me mention a few more of the suggested names that she shared with me while I was busy heaving.

Sloth, Beef, Mangle, Bongo, Cabbage or Cabbouge, Greed, Cinco de Mayo, Brad Pitt.

And, sometimes a boy named Sue ends up being a fighter when he really wanted to be a surgeon, a cameraman or an anesthesiologist.

Angus. What does this name tell you about the state of the mother?

Other possible scenarios: “Please welcome to the diamond our favorite pitcher and the captain of the basketball team … Marian Cheney!

"I’d like to introduce you to my grandson, Rhelei. He goes by anything other than Rhelei.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please face Americus and repeat the Pledge of Allegiance."

"How are ya doing, Saylor."

Or Basil. Parson. Polly Andria. Latreene.


And thank said lucky stars that Myelda isn't having twins. She had names all ready for them, and not in a good way: Phineas and or Ferb, Shaggy and Scooby, Thing One and Thing Two ...

And thank said lucky stars that Myelda isn’t having twins. She had names all ready for them, and not in a good way: Phineas and or Ferb, Shaggy and Scooby, Thing one and Thing two, and, my personal favorite, The One we dress in red and The One we dress in blue.

Fortunately, my eldest daughter isn’t into secret messages. I have heard of those named Brandon Morris (BM), Holly Tina Marie Laurence (HTML) Peggy Mae Smith (PMS) and Carrie Orr Williams (COW). Not good names for monograms, stationery or luggage.

It will be hard enough for him with a last name like Cheney. I, myself, had to put up with Oscar Mayer, and several other sound alikes best not alluded to.

Grandson may be better off with a prank name that sounds as if it came from one of Bart Simpson's calls to Moe's Tavern — Mayo Normousbutt, or Yuri Nater.

If she was really thinking about the future of her baby, she would name it after a rich relative to ensure that he will have money for college. Vera isn't such a bad name if there is enough money involved.

Better than the lady who saw the words "Nosmo" on one door and "King" on the other. Thinking it a sign from heaven and a grand name for her newborn, she wrote it on her cherished son's birth certificate for his first and middle name. Nosmo King.

No smoking. It’s better than Adolf, I guess.

The choice of my grandchild's name will be up to Myelda. But, if she picks wrong, so will the cost of a good therapist.

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Main image: Baby just found out he wasn't named after his Grandpa. (Photo: YouTube)


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About the Author: Davison Cheney --------------------------------

Davison Cheney writes "The Prodigal Dad" series every week on ksl.com. See his other musings at davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com.*

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