SALT LAKE CITY — My grandchild — the one named after bug spray — doesn't speak yet. If he can't communicate with me, however, it is because I am not paying attention. Without a word he makes his objections quite clear.

He couldn't hide his plan of action from me, and he wouldn't even know how. It would never cross his mind to hide his trip to the refrigerator for a cherry Popsicle. In fact, once he has stolen it, he would come to me to offer me a slobbery bite, and we would eat cherry Popsicles together.

It won't take Buggy long to discover what to do to make me happy and what to do that makes me sad. And, if I am not careful, he will learn — from the responses I give — all about hypocrisy.

Buggy wants to please me, and later in life, if he has to lie about an action to get my approval, he will learn to lie — even if it is against his moral core. And if he does it long enough, his core will acclimate to the dishonesty. He won't learn that dishonesty is wrong; it will become another tool to maintain an act.

The most important way for Buggy to be taught about or sold on the idea of honesty as a way of life is for me to believe it myself. If I have integrity and place a high value on honesty, chances are that my children or grandchildren will also.

If Buggy gets two conflicting messages about honesty from his parents, then he will take the strongest, most prolific example. If there is a discrepancy between what they say and what they do, Buggy will take the stronger action every time.

The bottom line is that children, if given two mutually exclusive actions (example: saying one thing and doing another), will most often select the truth of the fact and not the sermon.

But what if I haven’t been really honest myself and I'm trying to rear my child right?

I get it, and I’ve been there. You are going to be fighting established behaviors and attitudes, and your child may not listen to what you say. It will be an upstream battle all the way.

Congruence or integrity — honesty will require a refocus or perhaps a complete change of mindset.

You will want to be upfront about your motives. If possible, call a family meeting and be flat-out truthful. One man I know sat his family down and told them that he had recently viewed a video prank on YouTube where those being pranked could choose to be honest or not on their own, with no one watching but a secret camera. My friend was embarrassed for those who chose to be dishonest and he realized that he easily could have been one of them. He wanted to make a change.

He then told his family that he wanted to make a change.

As you can imagine, there were several different responses to his announcement, but in the long run his statement had a positive influence. His actions had an even better one.

My friend did the right thing in focusing on his problem first, instead of coming out and saying he wished his kids wouldn’t tell lies or take other people's things. Your previous actions will be the only instruction he will remember for sometime until he sees that you are serious about making changes in your own life.

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Consistency, boundaries key to healthy child development

It's bedtime, and there's not much fuss as seven little Hydes trot off to their rooms. Trenton and Camilla Hyde tamed what had been a cranky, crazy winding-down by creating a paper schedule outlining the most important things that need done each day. It concludes with a simple declaration: "9 p.m. Bedtime."

Your own good example might be the only chance he has at congruence, unless your child has moral fiber that comes from within, and then thank your lucky stuff that your child had the good sense not to listen to you.

In the meantime, here are a few things you can concentrate on.

Don't spend your waking hours trying to catch your kids in a lie. It's counterproductive. They will lie out of self-preservation. Instead, drop the issue and talk about something related.

Example. He was supposed to be home at 10 from the movie and you made the time clear. Rather than argue about the lateness factor, say, "I really need you at home at 10 please, and I want to be able to trust you. So, what rating would you give the movie?"

You've stated your piece, established the importance of integrity, and then hopefully made a connection with your boy.

And don't give up if it doesn't work the first time.

Let them see you tell the truth, even if it's painful. Acknowledging that I am wrong in an argument (when I am wrong) in front of the kids does wonders for me.

Search for things that will bring your actions and your words on things hypocritical together. Make honesty matter to you. That will send the strongest message of all. Davison Cheney didn't always tell the truth, but times have changed. He writes the "Prodigal Dad" family and humor column weekly for KSL.com. See his other writings at davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com, and on Twitter @davisoncheney.

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