Poetry, golf help Navy veteran find peace from dark phase of service


2 photos
Save Story
Leer en español

Estimated read time: 4-5 minutes

This archived news story is available only for your personal, non-commercial use. Information in the story may be outdated or superseded by additional information. Reading or replaying the story in its archived form does not constitute a republication of the story.

MURRAY — Lance Farmer writes poetry to help him find peace from a dark time for him in the military.

"Crystal fire, searing light, / Aid my power, give me sight. / Burn away eternal light, / To wash away the pain. / Men and women, / Fought for peace. / Traumatized, they seek release. / Aid my quest, I’ll never cease / Nor sacrifice in vain. / Digging deep, to help control / The demons that infect their soul."

Farmer spent only a short time in the Navy from 1980-81, but during that time he had to deal with a serious situation that he thought he couldn’t mention during his service. It’s a story that will make you uneasy, but then leave you uplifted with how it’s turning out.

Farmer went through submarine training, being the top graduate in every class he took. But his training had a dark side — one involving sexual abuse.

“I was doing great; I was doing really good,” Farmer said. “Then things got messed up. I experienced MSD, or military sexual trauma.”

Farmer’s life was shattered.

“As a man, in those days, you don’t publicize that,” he said. “It gets hidden; that’s the secret part of MSD and PTSD that no one talks about. It’s gross. It’s nasty. You are bad, and it happened to you. It’s like rape. Now it’s coming to be better, and they’re recognizing that.

“That’s what happened to me on my way out of the military. It shattered me, who I was.”

For 32 years, he kept it a secret. Few military men want to come out with that secret; many just “shut it down,” Farmer said — scared of being called “weirdos” and blamed for their situation.

Drugs and alcohol were his escape. He tried to get away from the darkness by moving to Alaska and becoming the captain of a crab boat that became the inspiration for the Discovery Channel show “Deadliest Catch.”

But that didn’t take care of Farmer’s problems or issues. They were still there.

“It’s in you. You’re a shattered human being,” Farmer said. “You can hide it; I’ve got 32 years of being a professional at hiding this stuff.”

Courtesy photo: Josh Farmer

He hid it until July 2014. In West Wendover, Nevada, Farmer lost his job and hit what he felt was rock bottom. He took an ambulance to University Hospital in Salt Lake City, and eventually found Utah’s veteran’s affairs office. There, he found relief.

“They’re saving lives every day,” Farmer said. “They’re saving mine.”

Farmer has been clean and sober for nearly one year. He did it for his two children, describing his rekindled relationship with them as “a perfect relationship,” wanting to give them a better life than he had.

Golf is a major part of his therapy, too.

“Coming out here golfing, no people around, you don’t have to worry,” Farmer said. “You can relax and be yourself. You have a chance to let go of all that crap, and just be you. It’s everything.”

In a partnership with Mick Riley Golf Course in Murray, veterans like Farmer are able to play with other veterans on a weekly basis. His golf game now mirrors is life: stable and on target.

“It’s nice to be a real human, just relax and go,” Farmer said. “I can make achievements. I can cheer for my buddies.

“(Before his recovery) you’ve got this stuff boxed up inside of you, and you don’t trust anyone.”

Farmer’s best-ever round is a 76, and he continues to write poetry in his spare time. His favorite pays tribute to the VA for the help he has received.

“I’ll do my part, I’ll fight for them. I’ll give my heart; I know we’ll win,” Farmer read from a few stanzas. “We’ll not give up, we’ll not give in. United, we remain.

“That’s what they do: they don’t judge us. They have given their hearts to help us.”

By telling his painful story, Farmer hopes to give back to other veterans.

“You can’t hide this stuff anymore,” he said. “There are a lot of people like me, and a lot of people are still hiding it. The people who did that to me, they aren’t going to win. I’m going to stay sober and I’m going to have a life.”

Contributing: Sean Walker

Photos

Related links

Related stories

Most recent Sports stories

Related topics

Sports
Rod Zundel

    ARE YOU GAME?

    From first downs to buzzer beaters, get KSL.com’s top sports stories delivered to your inbox weekly.
    By subscribing, you acknowledge and agree to KSL.com's Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

    KSL Weather Forecast