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SALT LAKE CITY — There is no shortage of advice on parenting. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the do's and don'ts of parenting that I forget to listen to my own heart and trust that my instinct as a parent is worth listening to. Sometimes, I think about how darn tough parenting is, but I remind myself on those tough days to keep on trucking.
My husband has recently been into reading these parenting self-help books — which is great. It's wonderful that he wants to better himself as a dad. I should actually take a page from his book.
However, I get very overwhelmed as chapter after chapter adds another "do" and another "don't". And the do's and don'ts always seem to always be changing from book to book, from expert to expert, from friend to friend. It's so hard to keep up that it can get exhausting, and for me it makes me feel like I am never quite measuring up, that I am always jumping and reaching but the goal keeps changing direction and length and height. My imaginary parenting ball seems to always be bouncing back and smacking me in my face.
I think sometimes we forget as parents to just feel. We spend so much time listening to everyone else's voices (real and imaginary) that we forget to listen to our own. With the Internet at our fingertips, we are just one button push away from all sorts of nuggets on parenting. If you do A, then your child will do B. If you do A, B and C, then your child will do X, Y, Z. If your child does X, Y, Z, then they are more likely to … what? A, B, C?
Now let me reiterate that I do not — I repeat — do not think that taking information in is a bad thing. Not at all. I just believe we need to take it at face value and then listen to our hearts. Because honestly who else knows your kids better than you? No one. No book, no author, no statistic can take place of actually being someone's parent. Take in the information, then feel and listen and then do.
Honestly who else knows your kids better than you? No one. No book, no author, no statistic can take place of actually being someone's parent.
So you know when you see a mom out and about with her children and they are perfectly put together and quiet and still and well … perfect? And you start to feel all sorts of mommy guilt because your daughter's hair looks like she just stuck her finger in a socket and had chocolate smudge on her face the whole time.
Stop it. It is imaginary. Because another mom is looking at you and your daughter and having mommy guilt because "her daughter's hair looks so cute, why doesn't my daughter's hair do that." We cannot measure our worth as a parent on other people's appearances. We just can't.
And while we're at it, we can't judge other people's parenting by appearances either. If there is one small thing I have learned as a parent, it is that some days I will be the perfectly put together one with the perfectly behaved child in line at the grocery store and some days I won't. But when we look at it that way, we can appreciate both. We can appreciate the good, the bad and the ugly.
I mean when I see a mom dragging her screaming child out of the bowling alley, I can just smile and nod because I have totally been there. I am not thinking about her and her parenting skills. I am just thinking that today I am glad it's not me and that tomorrow holds no promise that we won't be the ones with a very public meltdown.
Just parent the best way you know how. Because believe it or not, you do know how. Trust your heart and more importantly listen to it. That doesn't mean you won't make mistakes. But the other part is not beating yourself up over it. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and give other mommas the same.
I truly believe that the majority of us are just doing the best we can. Learn and grow. That is definitely a part of the process, but also trust yourself and your instincts. Be gentle with yourself and others.
Ashley Stallings is a mother of two and a lifestyle and fashion blogger at www.flatstoflipflops.com, a blog centered around real life and real fashion for real women. You can email her at flatstoflipflops@yahoo.com.
