SALT LAKE CITY — I remember sitting in church with my son, who was about 18 months old. An older woman came up to me, played with him for a few minutes, then turned and said something like, "He’s a good little boy, now. Wait until he hits 2." Shocked, I simply smiled and thought once again, old women can be annoying.

And then he hit 2.

As his behavior became more difficult, we sought more doctors’ advice. Most played the ADHD key, some depression, some anxiety. We spent our days dealing with difficult mental, emotional and physical issues and trying various medications, but nothing took.

As a mother, I felt something was missing in the diagnosis and kept looking for the thing that would make it all click. Finally, we found a specialist and the right diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome.

My son was 7 years old.

Now he is 19 and serving a service mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Last year he went to BYU-Idaho — doing his own laundry, meals (even nutritious ones), schedule, and in general making his own life happen.

How did he go from terrible twos to self-sufficient 19? I am no expert and have zero advice. However, besides prayer, trial and error, and a village of good people, here are a few things that worked for us.

1. Build a solid relationship with mom.In speaking with different doctors, they have told me this is No. 1 for Aspies (their term for people with the disorder). A connected, healthy, positive relationship with mom is key for these kids to create connection, understand social savvy, and trust the often foreign information they're learning. Plenty of positive is huge; writing a list of the great things about your child is helpful. You could also institute a “praise first” policy before sharing a to-do or correction.
2. Explain the diagnosis and skills to learn. Over the years, when our son starts "cycling" — our word for his predictable behaviors in certain situations — we point out what’s happening. When he gets overstimulated, we remind him to take a personal time-out. When he gets too "factoid" for five or more minutes (our phrase for the clinical term "endless fact-telling") I'll simply say, "That's two facts you've shared, now I need a connecting question." He'll stop and say, "Oh yeah, how was your day?" Using real-time situations and a few years of homeschooling, I have spent time identifying social cues, hygiene, habits and how other people perceive him in conversations. Ultimately, these brief but timely teaching moments have helped my son develop greater self-confidence and social smarts.
3. Use structure. As a young child, it was vital to help my son with a transition period for at least 5 to 15 minutes before moving to a new activity — leaving for errands, or getting ready for bed, etc. Having regular times of the day for bath, reading, meals and play time were all crucial in helping him not only establish routines, but for those routine items to become natural so he could focus on newer learning.

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1. Wisely use a combination of Eastern and Western medicine. For a long while our son couldn't regulate his sleep. We tried various suggestions from doctors: sleep hygiene, regular rituals, Benadryl and more. My husband felt it had to do with high cortisol levels (leaving him tired but wired at night) and found a Chinese adrenal herb that has helped our son to sleep. Acupuncture has also helped. We’ve combined Eastern methods with Western medicines, finally finding two drugs to help bridge his neural and emotional gaps. But we’ve kept him on the lowest possible dose and always after working on the behavioral practices first, combining them with medicines after. Each child is different ,and it will take time to find the right combination.
2. Teach him to think like a future adult. We encourage our son to see himself as a grown-up. When he first started working with my husband on a construction site, our son would be found sleeping under a truck. By last year he was actually installing hardwood floors. It’s been bit by bit, increasing skills and awareness, giving the big picture all the time of where he is going.
3. Help him/her find something to “grab onto.” Michael Landon wasn’t always a successful director and actor. He came from an abusive home, and in high school had facial tics and made involuntary gulping sounds. But one day in PE he threw a javelin 30 feet farther than anyone else. He said that he found something he could grab onto, so he grabbed. Landon built his success on that one discovery. Our son loved Legos, then fiddling with videos, which morphed into stop-motion video movie making. We found a local contest, which he entered and won “Most Creative” and $500. That bolstered his confidence to try other events and talents.
4. Make him part of a family. We understand our son's Asperger ways, and yet we need him to stretch socially. So we have him play games, go bowling with us, make and eat dinner together, and in general spend a good amount of time with seven other people in his family. We remind him he’s as special as everyone else and he’s not the only one who needs attention. This helps him understand he can’t consume our time constantly. He’s learned to walk into a room and, instead of starting to speak about his interests, he now first asks, “Is this a good time?” As Aspie parents we’ve been grateful to see tremendous progress, and we know that at any moment the house of cards could crash down around us, but we also know that we would begin again, standing card by card, more aware and able than the last time — and hopefully finding more love and joy in the process.

Connie Sokol is a mother of seven, a national and local presenter, Education Week speaker, and TV contributor on KSL’s “Studio 5”. She is the author of "Faithful, Fit & Fabulous," "Caribbean Crossroads," "Motherhood Matters," and "Life is Too Short for One Hair Color." Visitwww.conniesokol.comfor more.

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